


The Darkness

by anyrei



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU season 11, Canon-compliant until season 10 finale, Jack Winchester (OC), M/M, Men of Letters, Post-Season/Series 10 Finale, The Darkness - Freeform, backstory Castiel, case!fic, dark!fic, demon hunter - Freeform, fem!&male!Castiel/OC, jealous!Dean, slow build destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:29:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4917847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set shortly after season 10 finale. Cas gets saved by a mysterious person from his past from Rowena's spell and learns how many memories he had lost thanks to Naomi's brainwashing. Oh and also there’s this tiny issue of the world ending....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story's end game is Destiel, so please bear with me. I wanted to write an alternative s11 with an original character just to try it. Pls give the guy a chance ;). Only a few days to the start of the new season and I'm very excited. I personally hope it will be better than the last season. Many thx to drunk_idjit for being my faithful beta again. Hope you guys will enjoy this story. Okay, I'll shut up now.

** **

 

 

**Chapter 1**

 

**_Newbury, Massachusetts 1647_ **

 

He couldn't breathe. The flames were coming nearer by the second as the sweat ran from his forehead down into his eyes. The smoke made his eyes water and he blinked the tears away as he frantically pushed and pulled at the restraints that tied him to the pole on the pyre. The rough material of the rope cut painfully into his wrists but at this point it didn't matter anymore. If he couldn't free himself from his bonds, he would die in a few minutes.

 

Ironically killed by the humans, who were gawking and cheering around the stake, that he had been trying to save from an evil demon earlier that day – if he hadn't been in this dire situation he would have laughed about that. He guessed the demon was standing somewhere in the background of the crowd having a good laugh at the idiotic demon hunter that had gotten himself caught while using magic.

 

It was an embarrassing rookie mistake, and he knew he should burn for this – but not literally for crying out loud!

 

And the day had started so well ... He had seen an angel in the woods. A beautiful woman with black wings like a raven, disheveled long, dark hair and ocean blue eyes. They hadn't spoken with each other, she just had just watched him as he had his first run in with the demon.

 

He had nearly caught the evil bastard at that point but the appearance of the angel had distracted him and the demon had gotten away. He had tried to track him with a spell then, and had been promptly spotted by some hysteric washerwomen which is what had gotten him into this blazing situation.

 

And now he was going to die. An appropriate end for the black sheep in the Winchester's family line of the Men of Letters. He could have been a scholar like his father and his grandfather but he had chosen to be a hunter, an adventurer – a man fighting in the dirt.

 

And now all his dreams of glory and saving the world from the evil corruption went up in flames so to speak. The only thing left was to pray. Maybe to that beautiful angel, that had probably been an angel of death – an omen of his oncoming destiny.

 

So Jack Winchester prayed as he closed his eyes and thought about the angel. He prayed for a quick death, for salvation, for the souls of the people around him – until he registered the sudden quietness. The unbearable heat around him was gone and he could breathe again. He could breathe in the cold, humid air of a winter's day. He could feel the cold wind and frozen snowflakes falling on his face. Slowly he opened his eyes, blinking against a bright, gray sky. He stood atop a mountain surrounded by other snow capped mountains and no sign of any civilization.

 

He knew he must have looked like a complete and utter fool with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide as he turned around and gazed at the beautiful eyes of the angel that he had prayed to. “Um…”

 

Jack would have rolled his eyes at his nonexistent eloquence but the sight of that angel paralyzed every thought in his head. She tilted her head, her confusion obvious in the tilt of her eyebrow as if she was contemplating just leaving him here in the middle of nowhere without a word.

 

“Don’t go…,” he finally got out as he noticed her spreading her wings as if she was going to fly away again. She squinted at him curiously but then her eyes widened in shock: “You can see my wings.” Her voice was deeper than he had expected, sounding as if she wasn’t used to speaking with it.

 

“Yes, they’re gorgeous by the way,” _Great, best way to get a seat in Hell, Jack. Having sinful thoughts about an angel._ This time he did roll his eyes at the unhelpful comment his own mind supplied him with again. “What I meant to say was, I can’t thank you enough for saving my life. My name is Jack, Jack Winchester. I’m a demon hunter, former Men of Letters.”

 

“I know who you are,” the angel answered flatly, staring at him with an unblinking and curious gaze. Jack cleared his throat: “Of course you do. So are you telling me your name?”

 

She tilted her head again: “Castiel.”

 

Jack nodded: “Beautiful name… Um... not that I want to sound ungrateful but… um… why did you save me?” He looked around. “And where are we?”

 

Castiel smiled at him, only answering his last question: “The Himalaya.”

  


…. :::: :::: ….

 

**Now**

 

There was only blind rage and darkness. _Kill, kill, kill._ Voices screaming in his head, so loud, so painful. _Red. Black. Red._ Copper smell of blood in his nose and on his tongue. His organs burned just like when his grace had finally filled his vessel again, burning away the last traces of the other angel’s borrowed grace. But back then he had known this would be over soon. He didn’t know now. This felt like being eaten alive, like burning in Hell’s fire, cold and hot at the same time. Consuming, wanting, always wanting more, never content… never. An unknown urge and pull screamed through his body like pulses from a deep and empty abyss in himself, wanting to destroy, to tear him apart, to take everything down and consume, consume like hell fire, unrelenting, unforgiving, unstoppable. _Cold. Hot. Red. Black._

 

_Darkness._

 

And suddenly there’s green.

 

Warm hands touching him, his face. A concerned voice. And this green. Familiar. Warm. Safety. A name tried to push itself through the forefront of his mind.

 

_Dean._

 

Castiel felt his vision slowly clearing, strong hands holding him at his shoulders, supporting him so he wouldn’t fall over. Why did he feel so weak? He tried to focus on the soothing voice and the green eyes in front of him. _Dean? No…_

 

Cas squinted his eyes at the man who was holding him. He had the same eyes as Dean, the same freckles covered his nose and cheeks. The rest looked different though. Dark stubble framed his mouth and chin, he had short, dark hair and his all over appearance reminded him a lot of John Winchester. “You’re not Dean…,” Cas winced in pain as the effort of speaking hurt his throat. He tried to focus his grace on healing himself but he couldn’t get a connection, he felt dizzy and weak and would have collapsed on the floor if the other man hadn’t been holding him up.

 

“Easy there… Do you want to sit down?” The man asked with a deep, soothing voice.

 

Cas nodded and the man helped him sit down on the cold concrete floor. Cas looked around trying to understand what had been happening to him. He remembered Rowena… she was completing the spell to free Dean from the Mark of Cain and then… nothing…

 

“What happened?” Cas asked in confusion. “Where is Crowley?”

 

The man pointed at the dead body of Oscar on the floor. “You mean this poor fellow?”

 

“No, I mean the King of Hell. Who are you?” Cas had only just noticed the old fashioned clothes the man who was kneeling in front of him wore. He had a crossbow strapped across his back and daggers at the sides of his dark leather coat.

 

The man gave him a sad smile: “My name is Jack Winchester… Castiel. What happened to you? What happened to your wings?”

 

Cas’s eyes went wide with surprise. _How did the man know his name and…_ : “You can see my wings?”

 

“I always could. From the moment I met you,” Jack’s voice was barely above a whisper. Cas felt the sadness that emanated from the man’s soul as he slowly felt the connection to his grace come back. “I can’t remember you…” He said as he squinted his eyes at the man, now that he was able to feel Jack's soul he could tell the man was telling the truth about his name. That must have been the reason why he looked like John and like Dean Winchester. He was an ancestor of theirs. But he couldn't remember ever having met him before.

 

“I know you can’t remember me. An angel named Naomi caught you and made you forget about me.”

 

Cas growled as he heard that name. He remembered that Naomi had told him that she had gone into his head repeatedly, trying to fix him, and he always suspected that she had deleted a lot of his memories. He had noticed huge dark gaps of nothingness when he tried to recall his past. His eyes darted back to Jack Winchester, he felt an overwhelming sadness and longing coming from him. A feeling of emptiness in a silent prayer. Something he was used to feeling from Dean: “I apologize for not remembering you…”

 

“It’s not your fault.” Jack got up to his feet and held his hand out for Cas to grab it. Cas took it gratefully, not that he would have needed the support to stand up anymore but as a way of delivering human contact he felt the other man needed at the moment.

 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Cas asked, still trying to puzzle everything that happened together in his mind. Jack glanced around looking lost: “I can’t tell you much. I was in the woods running from a demon. I used a time portal to come here and landed right in this building at your feet. You got hit by a powerful curse from a witch. You were lucky I got to you in time to lift it from you.”

  
“You saved me?” Cas asked, astonished by the powers this human possessed.

 

“Yes, my training as a Men of Letters sometimes comes in handy, even if I try not to think about it. So what happen to you, Castiel?”

 

“It’s a long story. I’ll explain on the way if you would accompany me. I have to find Dean.”

 

“You mentioned this name before. Who is he?” Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Castiel smiled warmly at him: “Dean Winchester. I think you are one of his ancestors.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 

“Are you feeling better?” Jack asked in a concerned voice as Castiel leaned against his car, feeling slightly dizzy. Something wasn’t right… He couldn’t say what it was exactly, but something definitely felt off. Like the entire world had taken a step to the side and… It just wasn’t where it should be.

 

Cas felt a hand on his shoulder and he wondered how this man he had never seen before could have such a calming and comforting effect on him. He was so similar to Dean in many ways, but his soul was more open, his affection given more freely – without hesitation or insecurity. He tilted his head, studying Jack Winchester from head to toe, trying to understand him, to get a feeling for this man. “You don’t seem very surprised by this century.”

 

Jack shrugged: “It's not my first time travel.”

 

“You’ve been here before?” Cas asked, surprised. Jack shrugged and gave him a sassy grin: “I don't even know when or where ‘here’ is, exactly. I just picked something at random because I didn't have much time to think.”

 

"It's 2015 and we’re in Kansas.”

 

“Kansas? That’s nowhere near where I was.” Jack gazed at Cas, his wide eyes suddenly squinting with suspicion. “Don’t you think it’s strangely convenient that I happened to land right in front of you , coincidentally having everything packed up and ready to perform a spell that saved you from that curse? The time portal I used should have just transported me to another time, not another location. I’m pretty sure that’s not possible.”

 

Cas tilted his head and gave him a thoughtful look: “You’re right. That seems… odd.”

 

Jack’s face suddenly shone with joy as his smile grew wider and he slowly shook his head: “You’re still doing that thing with your head and your blatant understatements…” He reached up to Castiel’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. Jack’s green eyes were full of sadness but also… he looked happy. Human emotions could be so contradicting sometimes.

 

“I missed you, Castiel. I know you can’t remember me and this is probably very strange for you… I just wanted you to know.” He let his hand fall back to his side and gave him one last meaningful look before he turned around, pretending to watch the empty, dark street.

 

“Jimmy Novak wasn’t alive in your time… You never saw me in this vessel before...”

 

Jack looked back at him before he closed his eyes and sighed in defeat: “You’re right. Your vessel’s name was Zooey Collins. I don’t know why…,” he gestured at Castiel’s body. ”…I just know it’s you.”

 

Cas felt a painful stab in the heart when Jack mentioned the other vessel’s name. He wondered how many other lives like Jimmy Novak’s he had destroyed by taking them away from their family and loved ones. He also wondered what circumstances had led him to take a vessel in the first place. He had so many questions but Dean was at the forefront of his mind and before he could solve the puzzle around the Winchester’s ancestor he had to know if he was okay.

 

Cas gave Jack an apologetic glance before retrieving his phone and dialed Sam’s number. It wasn’t long before the phone was answered in a hushed voice: “Cas?”

 

“Yes, Sam. It’s me. What happened? Is Dean okay? Did it work?”

 

“Yes, it worked… he’s fine. But… Cas… Are you still with Rowena?”

 

“No, she put a spell on me and ran. I’m sorry. Where are you? What happened?”

 

“Long story, Cas. We’re heading back to the bunker. Meet us there, okay? And Cas… be careful.”

 

Cas closed the connection and pocketed his cell phone. He shuffled his feet a bit before he looked up at Jack again, who tried to look anywhere but at him. “We have to go.”

 

Jack just nodded and got into the car without saying anything. Cas let his gaze sweep one more time over the dark sky, frowning when the strange feeling didn’t go away. Something felt off but he couldn’t say what it was.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

  
  


“They’re Men of Letters?” Jack asked, his eyes wide with disbelief as they arrived at the bunker.

 

Cas shook his head: “No, they’re hunters. Like you. They only found out two years ago they had that heritage.”

 

“Huh…, strange to think that no one of these aloof bobolynes is left. The way I was raised we had always believed the Men of Letters would be there for eternity. Arrogant fools.”

 

 

Cas let his gaze wander over Jack as he said those words. He didn’t look and sound very angry – more like he was sad and disappointed.

 

“Well at least they left this building and a decent library and collection of wisdom.... And a home.” Cas smiled slightly and nodded. “We should go inside.”

 

The bunker was quiet as they went down the stairs. Dean and Sam hadn’t arrived yet but Cas hadn’t expected them to be there yet. He didn’t know where Sam and Dean were but he assumed it was further away from Kansas.

 

“You must be hungry. I can check to see if there is something edible in the fridge.”

 

Jack nodded before quietly walking around the war room, curiously examining everything around him. Cas had found the ingredients for a PB&J in the fridge and although he now thought it was disgusting he made one for Jack, suspecting that he man would probably like it.

 

When he returned to Jack with the prepared sandwich he found the man sitting at the table, his elbows resting on the surface, his head buried in his arms.

 

“Are you alright?” Cas asked as he sat next to him, carefully placing the plate in front of the demon hunter. Jack propped his head on his elbow and looked at Cas quietly. “I’m fine. It’s just a lot to handle…”

 

“You mean with the Men of Letters?” Cas asked softly.

 

A ghost of a smile graced Jack’s lips as he slowly shook his head: “No… seeing you again… In this new body… I just thought I would never see you again.”

 

Castiel tried to analyze the emotions he could see in Jack’s green eyes. His soul was radiating so much pain and sadness at the moment that Cas was tempted to block his silent prayer. He didn’t know if the demon hunter was aware that he was doing this but he certainly was accustomed to pray to Castiel. Not many humans did. He wasn’t as well known as some of his siblings so there weren’t many prayers directed at him.

 

“You could show me your memory–” Cas started but got interrupted by Jack flinching up from his chair. “No! No, no, no!” Jack held his arms up in defense.

 

Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head, confused by Jack’s violent reaction. Jack exhaled a soundly, deep breath: “It’s better that you don’t know. Trust me.”

 

Cas furrowed his brow thoughtfully: “I don’t understand. Wouldn’t you like me to remember you again?”

 

The demon hunter shook his head and slowly sat down again: “That’s not it. I would actually love it if you could remember me. But with this memory comes a price and I just don’t want you to have to pay it. You have to understand, Castiel… I – I care a lot about you.” Jack rolled his eyes, obviously at his own words, causing Castiel to smile as he recognized the resemblance to Dean in this familiar expression. Jack cleared his throat and looked at his hands: “What I meant to say was… I love you. I never stopped loving you even after I lost you. And I don’t want you to relive and remember everything we’ve been through because I know it will hurt you. So please… don’t ask for this.”

 

Cas didn’t know what to say. Never in his life had someone said these words to him. Never before had he realized how much he wanted to hear these words. And now that Jack had said them he knew that the only person he wanted to hear these words from…

 

… was Dean.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bobolyne is an old English word for a fool. Coined by the 15th-16th century poet John Skelton who was one of Henry VIII’s schoolteachers.


	3. Chapter 3

“I apologize. I clearly made you uncomfortable,” Jack sighed guiltily and tiredly rubbed his hands over his face.

  


Cas looked at the floor sheepishly and gave the demon hunter a shy smile: “It’s okay… I’m just not used to this.”

 

The smile Jack gave him didn't reach his eyes: “You never were. You told me once that you never wanted anything for yourself. That the thought alone was so alien to you that you never even considered it... Even when you finally did want something of your own you never felt quite comfortable. It was like you thought you didn't deserved happiness.”

 

Cas nodded thoughtfully: “I guess I haven't changed much then.”

 

Jack had a pained expression on his face as he slowly touched Cas's shoulder. The hunter was clearly very empathic and cared about Cas, a lot.

 

_No, he loves me._

 

Cas still didn't understand why this thought made him uncomfortable but at the same time made him feel good about himself. He shouldn't feel good about it because he was the reason that Jack's soul radiated pain and sadness. Something terrible must have happened to him and although he understood and respected Jack's warning to not ask questions about it, he desperately wanted to know.

 

He felt guilty that he couldn't return the feelings he must have had for the demon hunter at some point in his life. He was aware that he had feelings for Dean. Although he knew nothing would ever come out of this because Dean didn't feel the same way about Cas. In his eyes Cas was his best friend, brother even – but nothing more.

 

Jack's green eyes still gazed at him, his scattered freckles prominent in the warm light of the table light. He looked so much like Dean. Cas knew it was wrong to imagine Dean was sitting in front of him, showing him a love he never dared to hope for.

 

The hand on his shoulder slowly slid towards his throat and up to his cheek, the fingertips tenderly gracing his cheekbone. Cas closed his eyes as he felt Jack's lips on his mouth, kissing him softly before Jack tentatively pulled back again.

 

Just at that moment they heard the front door open and they both stood up from the table exchanging shy, confused glances. Cas smiled as Dean and Sam came down the staircase, seeing that they were both unharmed and okay – above all he was relieved to see Dean again. He tried not to feel guilty about the kiss he had just shared with Jack as Dean returned his smile, relief written all over his face as the hunter pulled him into a hug. “Good to see you’re in one piece, buddy.” He patted him on the back, then stiffened suddenly as he let go of the angel.

 

“Who is this?” Dean growled as he noticed Jack emerging from the shadows of the bunker behind Cas.

 

Cas gave Dean a warm smile: “This is Jack Winchester. He is one of your ancestors.”

  


…. :::: :::: ....

  


They had talked for hours after the introduction. Sam had informed Cas about what happened and the angel was still in shock about the consequences that removing the mark had brought upon them. At one point Cas realized that he wasn’t any better than Lucifer himself, destroying the world for purely selfish reasons – to save Dean Winchester. Metatron had once confronted him about this and Cas knew it was true. He would do anything to save the hunter. He chose to fall for him a long time ago in every sense of the word.

  


While lost in his thoughts he felt Sam place his hand on his shoulder as the tall hunter slowly shook his head. “This one is on me. I knew you couldn't let Dean die and I used you for this, just like I used Charlie. Everything that is happening now... it's my fault.”

 

“Sam...,” Cas shook his head – he didn't know what to say to his friend at first. He knew he couldn't argue with Sam about this. The Winchesters were stubborn in their role as martyrs. But he wanted to let Sam know that he wasn't alone in this. “We will do everything we can to fix this. We'll save the world. That's what we do.”

  


Sam huffed and left the table: “Yeah, after starting every freaking' apocalypse.”

  


Cas looked after him with a pained expression and Dean patted his shoulder next to him: “He’ll get over it. We still have a job to do.”

  


Dean had pestered Jack with a lot of questions after they had exchanged their stories of what had happened after the Mark of Cain had been removed from the hunter.

  


“So Cas was a chick back in your days?” Dean asked in an exaggerated tone, causing Cas to roll his eyes. Of course that was something Dean had an issue with...

 

Jack looked at Dean like he had lost his mind: “No, he wasn't a chicken.... He was in a woman's body.”

 

Dean snorted and looked at Cas: “He reminds me a bit of you here.”

 

“I actually think you two are a lot alike. The resemblance is stunning. And I don't mean just your appearance but your life choices and way of thinking,” Cas stated as Dean shrugged with a smug smile on his lips: “What can I say? The Winchester's genes are awesome.”

 

Cas noticed that Jack had been watching their exchange with a thoughtful expression. He cleared his throat and folded his hands on the table. “As happy as I am to meet descendants of my family line, I still wonder why I was brought to Castiel in the first place. I don't believe in coincidences when it comes to supernatural events. Castiel would have died by that witch's spell if I hadn't appeared right in front of him and had the ingredients and knowledge to remove it from him.”

 

Dean’s smile vanished when he heard how close Cas had been to dying. “I know what you mean. But at the moment I frankly don't care 'cause this is the least of our problems right now. I'm just happy that you could save Cas.”

 

Jack gave Cas a loving smile which didn't go unnoticed by the hunter: “I'm glad, too. I never dreamed I would see him again.”

 

Dean shifted in his chair uncomfortably before raising an eyebrow at the demon hunter. “Sounds like you and Cas have a lot of history.”

 

Jack nodded with a sad expression: “We were together. I love Castiel.”

 

For a moment Dean didn't react at all to that revelation. He sat there frozen in place before he threw a disbelieving look at Cas, whose expression was unreadable. He gestured at Cas warily and his mouth opened a few times to say something before he finally got the question out: “You love him, too?”

 

Cas sighed and looked at the floor: “Naomi removed all the memories I had about this period in my life. I can't remember Jack.”

 

Dean gaped at him before his gaze returned to the demon hunter: “But Cas was in a woman's body when you met him. He's a man now.”

 

Jack crinkled his eyebrows in confusion: “I don't see your point. It's still Castiel.”

 

“Yeah, but...?”

 

Jack huffed, disbelieving of Dean's ignorance: “And here I thought I was the one from the past. Would you stop being friend's with Castiel if he was suddenly in a woman's body?”

 

“No... I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, uh... How did you even recognize him?”

 

A ghost of a smile flitted over the demon hunter's lips as he looked at the angel: “I just did. And he still has the same beautiful blue eyes and that untamable hair...”

 

Dean cleared his throat as Cas and Jack kept staring at each other: “Fuck, I need a drink. You want a whiskey, Jack?”

 

“Sure, thank you, Dean.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

  
  


It wasn't his intention to listen to Jack's and Cas's quiet conversation as he returned from the kitchen with a bottle of well needed Whiskey, but somehow the soft words from the library made him stop and wait behind the wall before entering the room.

 

“Does it hurt?” He heard Jack asking in a tender voice that made Dean feel nauseated. Dean didn't know what his fucking problem was. Jack was a cool guy, dark leather outfit and bad ass weapons, medieval kind of demon hunter and a Winchester – family. What was not to like?

 

 _'He loves Cas'_ – his mind unhelpfully supplied. Dean suppressed his own growl as he listened to Cas’s deep and gravelly voice.

 

“My wings?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“No, they're just a manifestation of the remains of my grace. It's a long story. I'm sorry you have to witness them.”

 

 _What the fuck!!_ Jack could see Cas's wings? Why the fuck could he see Cas's wings?

 

“Don't be. They're still impressive,” Jack answered in a soft voice that only fueled Dean's anger.

 

Dean couldn't stand it anymore and returned to the room, effectively disturbing their private conversation. He placed the bottle of whiskey and a glass in front of Jack and turned his head to Cas: “Here you go, knock yourself out... Cas, can I talk to you for a second? Alone?”

 

Cas nodded and followed Dean past the pile of books that still littered the library floor, a painful reminder of the last time he had seen the angel. He led him to his room and closed the door behind him, gesturing to Cas to sit on the bed with him.

 

Cas quietly complied, never stopping to look at Dean with his wide, blue eyes. Dean sat down heavily next to him on the bed and let out a tired breath. He clasped his hands and turned his head to look at the angel. “It’s time we talk about a few things.”

 

Cas folded his hands and looked down at them with a guilty expression as if he expected to be yelled at. Dean shook his head: “We keep on doing this... hurting each other, making mistakes... just because we want to help...” He looked at the angel, trying to catch his eyes, “I'm not mad at you, Cas. Actually I wanted to say... I'm sorry, okay... For hurting you... for everything.”

 

Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes portraying a mixture of shock, surprise and determination: “That wasn't you...”

 

A quick, sarcastic laugh fell from Dean's lips: “If I had a penny for every time someone said that to me... No, Cas. Of course the mark changed me and everything... but I'm a killer. I was a killer before the mark and I will be one now. I'm dangerous and me and Sammy... we never play by the rules. We always break things... big time. And since I’ve known you, you’ve done this too. Your last name should be Winchester.”

 

“Castiel Winchester,” Cas smiled, “Has a nice ring to it.”

 

Dean chuckled and nudged Cas’s shoulder playfully. They looked at each other, grinning like idiots – Dean was pretty sure about that. Like so many times before he felt the tension between him and Cas rising the longer they stared at each other. Dean was the first to look away, soundly clearing his throat: “Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay… and we’re okay, right?”

 

Cas nodded, a warm smile still playing around his lips: “We’re okay. We’ll always be.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry for the long wait. Next chapter will be online much quicker!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

“So, what’s this about... 'you and Jack'?”

 

Cas looked at the floor: “He loves me.”

 

“So he says...,” Dean leaned back against the headrest of his bed and watched Cas with a thoughtful look.

 

“You don't believe he is telling the truth?”

 

Dean shook his head lightly: “No, I think that part is genuine but I believe there's a lot of stuff he isn't telling.”

 

Cas nodded and Dean noticed a sad shimmer in Cas's eyes: “You're right. I asked him about our past and he told me that it is for the best that I didn’t know. He said he didn't want me to be sad. It bothers me... not knowing... and I'm angry that Naomi stole these memories from me. What if I loved him too? What if I was happy?”

 

Dean stared at Cas for a few seconds to process what the angel had just told him. He wasn't aware that there were things Cas wanted in his life... just for himself.

 

“Is that what you want? A normal happy life?” The hunter asked slowly.

 

Cas tilted his head and shot him a warm smile: “I don’t think I’ll ever get a normal life, but I wouldn’t mind sharing it with someone I loved.”

 

A thousand different thoughts overwhelmed Dean as he just continued to stare at Cas.

 

_Does that mean he already loves someone? No, I would know if he did. He's my best friend. Why didn't he tell me? Maybe it's just hypothetical and he just meant “if” he loved someone. Oh fuck, how long have I been staring at him? I should stop. Damn his distracting blue eyes..._

 

Dean cleared his throat: “So what’s the plan, Cas? You wanna give Jack a chance? If you loved him once maybe you’ll love him again.”

 

_FUCK! Fuck, fuck!!!! Why did I say that??!_

 

The warm smile on the angel's lips vanished and was replaced by a sad expression again. Cas turned his head and stared at the wall before he answered in a low and quiet voice: “I don't know. Do you think I should try?”

 

_NO!!!_

 

“It's up to you, Cas. I can't tell you what will make you happy but if you have a shot at something good, you should take it.”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean: “Is that something you would do?”

 

_No… if I were to do that, I wouldn't be pushing you into Jack’s arms. I don't get to be happy. I gave up on that._

 

“No, being happy with someone... it's not me. Doesn't fit into my life.”

 

They sat there for a while in silence before Cas quietly said: “I see...”. He stood up from the bed and looked at Dean with an unreadable expression: “We should go get back to the others.”

 

Dean nodded: “I'll be there in a minute.”

 

After Cas had left the room, Dean forcefully threw his pillow against the wall. _Fuck!_

  
  


….:::: ::::....

 

“You’re right, that does sound suspicious.” Sam answered thoughtfully as he prepared a salad for dinner. Dean had told him that he wanted to cook tonight, which meant there wouldn't be anything healthy on the table. So the dubious honor of providing vitamins in their sustenance fell in Sam's capable hands. He liked preparing healthy food, but he didn’t like having to convince Dean that it was good for him to eat it. His brother was like a kid in this regard. Like he was afraid of broccoli, or whatever.

 

Jack leaned against the table: “It is, but I’m glad it happened. Castiel was in great danger.”

 

Sam shrugged: “We once met our grandfather through a time portal. He fell out of a wardrobe in our motel. Maybe you and Cas have some connection that led you to him.”

 

Jack shook his head: “If Castiel and I were blood related it would have worked that way but we obviously aren't. No... that can't be it.”

 

“Divine intervention?”

 

Jack raised an eyebrow: “Really? Why would God have an interest if I saved Castiel? He didn’t give a damn about him before.”

 

“What do you mean?” Sam asked suspiciously. He knew that face that Jack had made, it was the face someone made when they accidentally revealed more than they intended.

 

Jack bit his lower lip and looked at the floor: “Nothing… I’m just…, “ the demon hunter shrugged, “I just don’t like Heaven’s politics very much.”

 

“I have a feeling it’s more than that. There’s something you’re not telling about Cas, right?”

 

Jack looked up at Sam with a sad expression: “You’re right. And I envy that he doesn’t know these things from his past anymore. If I could I would want to forget, too.”

 

“That bad, huh?” Sam asked and refilled Jack’s empty glass of whiskey. He really liked Jack. He was easy to talk to and Sam was fascinated with all the stuff he learned from him about the Men of Letters. Although Jack hadn’t been on good terms with them, he had a lot of stories about how he got trained and what living in the secret society had meant in his time period. He also had promised to teach him about magic and counter spells that could be useful against demons and witches.

 

Jack nodded and quietly thanked Sam. For a while Sam cut a few more lettuce leaves in silence before he gave the demon hunter a thoughtful look. “Look, this obviously is a huge burden on your shoulders. Maybe it would help if you talked to someone about it.” Sam just had to try. He noticed how similar Jack was compared to Dean but he hoped their ancestor wasn’t as emotionally constipated as his brother. Maybe he didn’t actually have problems talking about his feelings.

 

Jack sighed in defeat: “You’re probably right. I never had anyone to talk about these things and… And I don’t really know what I should do now.”

 

To say that Sam was surprised about Jack’s openness was a vast understatement. He could have sworn that Jack would just give him an “I’m fine” answer and that he would try to change the subject.

 

“Castiel saved my life. That’s how I met him. Well… her at that point. She felt obligated to save me because she thought it was her fault that I got into the situation that nearly cost me my life in the first place. I was hunting a demon and got distracted by her sudden appearance in the forest. The demon escaped so I used a spell to find it again. Someone from the village saw me and well… 1647… let’s say they didn’t shilly-shally very long with what they wanted to do with me. Castiel saved me before it got really hot under my feet. Brought me into the Himalaya… I was very impressed and I think in love at first sight.”

 

Sam raised his eyebrow: “Wow, that’s… okay… What happened next?”

 

Jack smiled and took a sip from his glass. “I don’t know why but Castiel was fascinated by human beings and to my luck she thought I was a good example for her to learn more about us. So she stayed at my side. We hunted together and she showed me the world. It was a wonderful time. We stayed like that for a year before I finally worked up the courage to kiss her. I expected her to smite me where I stood but…” Jack smile grew wider as he set his glass on the table, “... she kissed me back. We were happy, you know. Castiel wanted to stay by my side forever.”   

 

The happy expression on Jack’s face suddenly changed into a pained one. “That’s when it started to go down hill. You know what a Nephilim is, Sam?”

 

Sam felt all the color drain from his face as he began to suspect where the story was going: “... Yes. It’s the offspring of an angel and a human.”

 

Jack nodded: “It’s against the rules of Heaven to create a Nephilim. Castiel didn’t know about that. Much later I learned that there were angels messing with her head, deleting memories and knowledge she once had, because she had a tendency to… disobey. It was her punishment every time they caught her.”

 

Jack picked up his glass again and took a large swig from it before he continued in a quiet voice: “After our daughter was born we were on the run from the angels. We tried to hide in different times, while warding ourselves but they always found us… And finally they got us... I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t do anything…” Jack clasped his hand in front of his mouth and shut his eyes tightly.

 

Sam’s heart went out for him. He couldn’t imagine what it meant to lose a child. Instinctively he took a step towards him and pulled him into his arms. “I think it was a good decision not to tell Cas.”

 

Jack nodded against Sam’s shoulder before pulling away and looking at his descendant: “Thank you, Sam. I think I needed to get this off my chest. I guess this will never stop hurting but I have to accept it at some point.”

 

Sam patted his shoulder before he let the other man go: “If you need an open ear or help, I’m here, okay?”

 

Jack gave him a sad smile: “Thank you. I really appreciate that.” He looked down at the forgotten half finished salad and grinned: “You need help with that?”

 

Sam grinned: “Sure. You like salad?”

 

Jack nodded: “I’m a demon hunter. Healthy food is a requirement for a well trained body I can rely on.”

 

Sam grinned widely: “I really like you, Jack.”

  
  


….:::: ::::....

 

Cas leaned against the wall, his breathing was heavy and he could feel his eyes burning. He hadn’t meant  to listen to Sam and Jack’s conversation but when Jack started to talk about their past, he couldn’t help it.

  
Now he wished he hadn’t done this. He would do anything  to return to his state of blissful unawareness. It felt like drowning, like dying… and he didn’t know what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

  


“Where’s Cas?” Dean asked as he made his way back to the kitchen, joining Sam and Jack who were in the middle of preparing dinner for them.

 

Sam looked up at him with a frown, his forehead wrinkling as he asked: “I thought he was with you...”

 

Dean fetched a bottle of beer from the fridge, trying to avoid looking at Jack. He didn’t know why his sight alone riled him up that much. He knew that he wasn’t being fair – he had no right to be angry at the demon hunter. But knowing that in his mind didn’t do a thing to change the unpleasant feeling of… jealousy in his heart. “He was about ten minutes ago. Said he wanted to get back to you two...”

 

Dean caught the worried glances Jack and Sam exchanged with each other and a hint of annoyance tinged his voice. “Okay, what did I miss?”

 

Sam cleared his throat uncomfortably, looking unsure of his next words: “It’s not my place to tell but I think we should go look for him.”

 

Jack’s face paled slightly and he looked like he was going to be sick: “You think he heard us?”

 

Sam pursed his lips: “Maybe...”

Dean threw his hands in the air, angry and desperate to know what was going on: “Guys?! What is it? What did Cas hear?”

 

Jack shook his head guiltily: “I told Sam about Castiel's and my past. If he overheard us he might be in shock.”

 

Dean didn't need to hear any more. He just knew he had to find Cas. “Okay, you two look in here. I’ll go outside.”

 

Jack put his hand on Dean's shoulder to stop him from leaving. “Please, if you find him... I need to talk to him.”

 

“Sure thing,” Dean grumbled and left the kitchen. He had an inkling of where Cas might be and he wanted to talk to him… alone… before his brother or Jack got to him. He tried not to question his reasoning behind that as he rushed out of the bunker, taking a shortcut through the forest until he reached the road where he remembered having spotted Cas’s car when they had arrived at the bunker earlier.

 

He nearly smiled when he spotted Cas in his car but the joy of finding him died instantly when he saw that Cas had his head buried into his arms on the steering wheel. Dean had never seen Cas so devastated before.

 

He ran around the car and opened the passenger door, slipping carefully into the seat. Cas didn’t react to him at all. Dean slipped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him into his arms with no resistance from Cas. He felt Cas’s hot breath on his neck as his friend buried his face into his shoulder, exhaling a deep shuddering breath. “I don’t know what happened,” Dean whispered quietly as he buried his face into Cas’s soft hair and tightened his grip around him. “You don’t have to tell me… But… I’m here, okay?”

 

“Dean…,” Cas’s voice came out broken and quiet.

 

“Hey, how about we switch sides and I drive you around for a while. You don’t have to talk. We could just leave and come back when you’re ready, okay?”

 

Cas nodded after a moment and quietly got out of the car to switch sides with Dean. Dean slid in the driver’s seat and waited until Cas was back in the car before he started the Lincoln. He often did this when he had a problem, just drive around in the Impala to clear his head. Cas wasn’t in any shape to drive but he could do it for him. Maybe just being on the move would help him.

 

Cas rested his forehead against the window, which didn’t look very comfortable but he guessed it was the least of Cas’s problems right now He didn’t know how long they drove through the night in silence. Dean avoided towns and major roads, following empty streets surrounded by cornfields. At some point Cas looked up and whispered: “Stop.”

 

Dean parked the car on the side of the road, patiently waiting for Cas to open up. Cas folded his hands in his lap and stared at them for a few minutes before starting in a low voice. “I had a child, Dean.”

 

Dean was instantly stunned into silence… that… that was some heavy stuff to wrap his head around. Cas looked up at Dean for a few silent seconds before he continued. His voice sounded broken and rough, as if he was on the brink of falling apart.

 

“So many times Heaven used me as a tool. I can’t stop thinking… Dean. I once killed a Nephilim for Metatron. I know she wasn’t mine… but she could have been and I wouldn’t have known…”

 

“Stop Cas. You can’t think like that.”

 

“Why? It’s all true. I had a family and I couldn’t protect them. I failed them. What if they used my hand to kill my child? What if I did it and don’t even remember? Like what Naomi did when she wanted me to kill you”

  


Dean pulled Cas into a hug: “Cas, you stupid idiot. You didn’t kill me. You couldn’t do it and I’m sure the same goes for your child. I don’t believe for a second you’d have killed her. You’re strong, Cas and you always beat them. You always come through.”

 

He felt Cas shaking his head, his nose and lips brushed against Dean’s throat and Dean closed his eyes for a few moments. “It was because of you,” Cas whispered, his voice muffled because he had buried his face into Dean’s shoulder.

 

“What?” Dean pushed Cas gently away and lowered his head so he could make eye contact with the angel. Cas looked down at his hands that still lay folded in his lap to avoid Dean’s gaze. “Look at me, Cas.”

 

Cas glanced up, his eyes full of sadness and insecurity. Dean laid a hand on his arm: “Talk to me.”

 

Cas let out a shuddered breath: “It was you. You came through to me. You broke the connection. I told you I didn’t know but I did....”

 

Dean felt his body go tense with the implied meaning of Cas’s words. He tried to ignore it and shot the angel an insecure look that clearly stated how uncomfortable he was with the topic: “What do you mean?”

 

Cas stared at him for a long, silent moment: “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to, Dean.” Cas left the car abruptly, looking angry and confused. Dean held his hands up in a defensive gesture: “What the Hell, man?” He got out of the car and followed Cas into the cornfield. The moon illuminated the night in soft, pale light, blurring edges and shapes into an enigmatic entity. The sound of cicadas accompanied their quiet breathings as Dean stepped behind Cas and laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

Cas lightly shook his head: “I don’t want to think about it anymore.” His tone softened as he turned to look back at Dean, whose green eyes stared back at him in confusion.

 

“Thank you, Dean… For taking me here. But I think we should go back.”

 

Cas turned around and walked back to the car, leaving Dean alone in the field wondering what the hell that was all about.

 

…. :::: :::: ....

 

They didn't talk on the drive back to the bunker and Dean had a horrible feeling in his stomach when he watched Jack running towards Cas, pulling him into his arms, whispering god knows what in his ear as he pulled him somewhere secluded in the bunker to talk to him.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow at Dean, making him feel self-conscious about whatever emotions his brother may have noticed on his face as he watched Cas and Jack vanish deeper into the bunker.

 

“We were worried, you know. You could have sent me a text.”

 

“He needed to clear his head. My priority was giving him some time,” Dean snapped at his brother, angrier than he had intended to be. He rubbed his eyes and Sam gave him a thoughtful look: “Main thing is that he's back. I just hope that they can both work through this.”

 

Dean huffed, his voice full of annoyance: “Yeah whatever. How about we skip the family drama and start concentrating on world ending issues like the darkness.”

 

Sam gave him one last thoughtful look before nodding: “Okay, actually before all that happened I had a very interesting conversation with Jack about the Men of Letters. I think we can learn a lot from him.”

 

Dean just hummed in a non-committal tone that feigned nonchalance but barely concealed that he was pissed about something. Sam wondered if something happened between him and Cas that left him in a sour mood. He knew Dean cared a lot about the angel and every time they had a fight in the past it had a huge effect on Dean’s behavior.

 

“I also checked the news for any signs of the Darkness. I found nothing. Nobody has seen anything or even mentioned a dark, huge cloud roaming the continent.”

 

“That's weird... Death told me the Darkness is a horribly destructive, amoral force... Shouldn't we have heard anything by now?”

 

Sam nodded, his face full of concern: The thing is, when I searched for strange activity I found nothing. and I mean nothing, not even a murder or a freak accident or anything. Usually I’d find something like that but… nada.”

 

“You mean it's silent out there? Like too silent?”

 

“It feels like everything is holding it's breath. Like the calm before the storm.”

  


…. :::: :::: ....

  


“There are no words... I wish I could have spared you the pain of knowing… I’m so sorry…” Jack hadn’t let go of his hand since they reached the empty room that the Winchester’s had once given to Cas for when he stayed at the bunker. It contained only a bed, a desk, and a few books. It wasn’t much but they all referred to it as Cas’s room, even though he had only stayed there a few times .

 

Cas sat down on the bed, pulling Jack down to sit next to him. “It’s not your fault… I… I have questions and I hope you can answer them.”

 

Jack let out a deep breath and nodded: “I’ll try…”

 

Cas was afraid to ask but he had to know – even if it would destroy him. He had to be sure. “Did I kill her?”

 

Jack’s eyes went wide with shock: “Oh god no!! How can you think that? No, no, no. You would have never let any harm come to her.”

 

Cas felt a huge weight lift off his chest at Jack’s heartfelt reassurance. He couldn’t suppress the tears that fell from his eyes but it didn’t matter to him. “Then how… who did this?”

 

Jack laid his hand on Cas’s shoulder, green eyes searching for blue, his voice full of intent. “Listen. There was nothing you could have done. You fought so hard but they captured you and dragged you back to Heaven. The other angels that were left to finish their work… they never told me their names… I couldn’t save her… I failed you at protecting our child…”

 

Jack covered his eyes with his right hand, his left one squeezed Cas’s hand tightly as he continued: “There was this one angel… Naomi… and she explained to me that she would fix you and you wouldn't remember anything of our life together. I prayed to you… every night… after it was over… but you never came back. I guess they kept you somewhere where you couldn’t hear me or leave…”

 

Cas pulled Jack into his arms like Dean had done with him before. He remembered how protected and grounded he had felt in Dean’s arms when he started losing himself earlier, drowning in the pain and sadness that had overwhelmed him. He wanted to be this anchor for Jack, now that he knew what he had been going through, how much pain he had caused the demon hunter in his life. He wanted to make it better for him, to make him happy.

 

“What was her name?”, he whispered in Jack’s short, dark hair.

 

Jack leaned back to look at Cas, his hand coming up to stroke tenderly over Cas’s cheek. “Grace… Her name was Grace.”

 

A sad smile flitted over Cas’s lips: “It’s a beautiful name…” He bit his lips, wondering if he could ask this from Jack. He wanted to see his daughter but he didn’t want Jack to feel anymore pain.

 

“Would you… I would like to see her… would you show me?”

 

Jack inhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a second. His voice was shaking: “Are you sure?”

 

Cas nodded: “Think of your happiest moment with us.”

 

Jack closed his eyes again and nodded before Cas laid two fingers tenderly on the demon hunter’s forehead.

 

Colors, lights, voices and images filled Cas’s mind. A warm feeling spread throughout his body as he saw the female vessel he had inhabited in Jack’s time smiling happily at him. He could clearly see the love he had for Jack reflected in her eyes before his gaze fell to the baby in her arms. She was beautiful, radiating warmth in her sleep, so innocent and fragile. Jack’s love for them felt like a warm blanket wrapped securely around Cas and he understood how happy they had all been together. That this was a life he had once wanted and that he had for a short time.

 

And all of this was taken from them.

 

Cas pulled back from the beautiful memory, noticing the tears that ran from his eyes as Jack tenderly wiped them away. If he were to give this a chance he could fall in love with Jack again. He knew his love for Dean wouldn’t lead anywhere. Dean didn’t see him that way. He couldn’t see past Cas’s male body and Cas respected that. He was like a brother, like a best friend for Dean. The realization had hurt, that Cas’s feelings for Dean made his friend uncomfortable, but he could accept it and be content with being Dean’s best friend.

 

Jack, on the other hand, loved him openly without holding back. They had been happy together in the past and for the first time that Cas could remember he wanted to be happy too.

 

So he made his decision and kissed Jack.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 

It was a tender kiss, slow and soft, a new start where they both had to learn and relearn each other. Cas didn’t have many memories or experience being intimate with anyone. The only other time that he had sex, at least that he could remember, had ended rather badly for him. But it was difficult to compare it to this. He had been a human at the time and everything felt different than it did now.

 

Another huge difference was that he cared for Jack and felt very attracted to him. Cas was aware that he felt that way about Jack because he was in love with Dean and they shared a lot of similarities but he tried not to think too deeply about that. He wondered if maybe... it was the other way around. He had met Jack long before he had met Dean and in the past he had loved the demon hunter. Maybe Naomi couldn't delete everything from his mind. Maybe he just fell in love with Dean because on some level he still remembered his love for Jack.

 

It was no good thinking about that now. He wanted to fully commit himself to Jack. He owed him that much. He felt responsible for all the pain the hunter had suffered in their past relationship and that he had been pulled into Heaven’s politics. He deserved to be happy, and if Cas could give that to him then he was more than happy to comply.

 

Jack pulled back slightly and smiled at Cas warmly, rubbing his hand tenderly over the angel's stubbly cheek. Cas returned the smile with a shy look on his face. He wasn't used to someone showing him love so openly. “It must be strange for you that I look different now.”

 

Jack chuckled and shook his head lightly: “I still recognize the real you and my feelings for you haven’t changed... But you're right... It will take a bit time to get used to your new body.” The hunter let his hand slide tenderly over Cas's cheek. “On the other hand I was never one to love one gender exclusively and… you look good… Really good.”

 

Cas smiled, happy that Jack found him physically appealing. He didn’t see his body as a vessel anymore. Jimmy was gone for years now and after all his stumbling into humanity, this body felt more like his own than his true form. He never planned to return to Heaven anyway. Earth was his home now, and he wanted to stay in this human body for the rest of his life.

 

“You look tired,” Cas stated after a moment where he was just lost in the demon hunter’s green eyes. Jack slid his fingers lovingly through Cas’s hair and nodded: “Yes, it was a very long day. And I don’t know about you but time travelling and finding the love of my life again always leaves me a bit tired.”

 

Cas grinned, loving the dimples and the slight crinkle on Jack’s nose whenever he said something funny: “You can sleep here if you want… in my bed.” Jack’s hand wandered to Cas’s earlobe, playing with it before resting his fingers on the angel’s neck. “Are you going to stay here with me?”

 

“If you want me to....,” Cas proposed shyly. It was strange but somehow he always expected Jack to behave like Dean. That he was granted physical closeness only to be shoved away later. Not that Dean had ever kissed him or stated romantic feelings for him but he was at times closer to Cas, more open to touches only to pull back later. Cas had found out that if these touches and looks were initiated by Dean, the hunter seemed to be unaware of them. But as soon as Cas reciprocated them, Dean automatically withdrew, becoming uncomfortable and even irritated with Cas touching him. So he was still surprised when Jack pulled him close and kissed him again, whispering ‘I want you to…,’ against his lips before he deepened the kiss.

 

It was at this moment that someone decided to knock on Cas’s half open door. For a second Cas wished it was Dean standing there in the open door clearing his throat in embarrassment, and he had no idea where this thought came from… But it was Sam instead. He grinned at them, rubbing his neck. “Sorry to interrupt. Cas, do you have a minute?”

 

“Sure,” Cas stood up, smiling at Jack who just winked at him, making Cas’s heart flutter for a moment. He hoped that this was a good sign. That his decision had been right and he could love Jack again.

 

Cas followed Sam quietly through the bunker with a happy smile on his face. He noticed the looks the younger Winchester was giving him and finally met his eyes to give him permission to say whatever Sam had on his mind.

 

“So…. you and Jack?”

 

Cas felt his smile spread on his face. “He loves me.”

 

Sam’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes and thoughtful wrinkles appeared on his forehead: “And what about you?”

 

Cas bent his head: “What do you mean?”

 

“Do you love him, too?”

 

Cas turned away from what Dean called Sam’s puppy eyed expression before he answered truthfully: “I did once, I just can’t remember it. But I’m sure he will help me to remember.”

 

“I see… Look, Cas… I really hope that everything turns out well for you but… you know… matters of the heart can’t be forced. Give yourself time… And… don’t do this out of a feeling of obligation or guilt.”

 

Cas stopped in his tracks and stared at Sam. For a moment he wondered why Sam was saying these things to him. He didn’t get a chance to answer though when Sam suddenly buckled over with a gasp, gripping his head with a pained expression.

 

“Sam!?” Cas supported him at his shoulder so he wouldn’t fall to the floor. He heard footsteps behind him. Dean. “What happened? Sam? Sam!”

 

Sam took in a deep breath and held his hand up to calm them both down. “It’s okay… I’m okay... “

 

“Sam, what the fuck? What happened?” Dean, asked, moving in front of his brother to help Cas keep him upright. Sam rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head slightly: “I don’t know… I think I had a vision… or something…”

 

“A vision? Of what?”

 

Sam paled as he looked up at his brother: “The cage… I had a vision of Lucifer in the cage.”

 

Dean eyes went wide in shock and he exchanged a quick glance with Cas. If that was true…

 

“Are you sure? Is that even possible.” Dean looked at Cas for his last question. “Cas?”

 

Cas gave them a thoughtful look: “There could be a residual connection between them. After all Sam’s soul had been in the cage with Lucifer… And he is an Archangel… I don't know for sure but this could be because of the Darkness.”

 

“What do you mean? Is Sammy going to lose his mind again?”

 

“No, I don’t think so… every angel is feeling that something isn't right with this world. I guess Lucifer is feeling this too. I don't know much about the first war… just that Lucifer… the lightbringer fought with a special weapon to defeat the darkness. Maybe he's trying to get a message to you, Sam.”

 

Dean and Sam shared a worried glance. “A message about what? How to stop the Darkness?”, Dean asked, incredulously.

 

“Maybe, they are old enemies on the battlefield.”

 

“So what?” It’s not like we would ever be stupid enough to spring him out of the cage. I mean, the enemy of my enemy is not always my friend. Certainly not in Lucifer’s case. And I’m really not looking to replace one shit show with another.” Dean rubbed his hand over his face. He already had enough on his plate with the darkness and all. Now Lucifer was acting up and… He really hoped this didn’t have any consequences for Sam. Another thought crossed his mind as Cas’s words slowly sank in. “Cas… How come you don’t know anything about this war? I thought angels already existed at this point.”

 

“I assume I was created after that,” Cas answered slowly.

  
Sam raised an eyebrow: “You assume? That means you don’t know?”

 

“It appears I have large gaps in my memory of this time, too. Not really surprising after I’ve learned from Naomi how often she had been in my head.”

 

Dean scratched his chin: “We really need more information about everything.”

 

Sam nodded: “We should try to find Metatron. He was the Scribe of God. He would know things about the Darkness.”

 

Dean scoffed: “You think the angels would just lend him to us again after last time?”

 

Sam and Cas shared a concerned look that didn’t go unnoticed by Dean: “What?”

 

Sam cleared his throat: “Look… Metatron is kind of… he’s not in Heaven anymore.”

 

Dean squinted his eyes at Sam: “Why?”

 

Cas looked at the floor. He voice sounded tired as he quietly said: “Cause I freed him and he tricked me again.”

 

Dean opened his mouth a few times before he finally snapped: “Why on earth would you do that?”

 

“I was desperate. I needed answers to free you from the mark and my brothers denied me access to the scribe,” Cas growled as he defended his action. Sam laid his hand on Cas’s shoulder. “It was my idea to keep it from you, Dean. You didn’t want us to help. We took Metatron’s grace from him so he’s human and although he didn’t know anything about the mark at least Cas got his grace back.”

 

Dean shook his head angrily: “And what about Heaven? Do they know it was you, Cas?”

 

“Yes, I probably should avoid other angels for the foreseeable future.”

 

“Great… That’s just great,” Dean huffed, throwing his hands in the air. “I mean, I’m glad you got your mojo back and all but fuck, Cas… Do you think the angels will just let that slide?”

 

“Dean… it’s not that like I was on good terms with my brothers before that. And frankly I don’t care. If the decision is between you and Heaven you will always come first.”

 

In that moment Sam wished he could just vanish into thin air because, as usual, his brother and the angel began to stare at each other intently and, as usual, it seemed that the world around them just disappeared. Sam was pretty sure they wouldn’t have even noticed if he just left them there in the hallway, but the discussion wasn’t over and they had other things to talk about. He cleared his throat to effectively destroy the moment between them but the intensity of the tension still seemed to linger.

 

“I think our best shot is to find Metatron to get some answers”

 

Dean growled: “Yeah, if he’s on the loose we have to get him anyway. I bet this asshole is up to no good.”

 

“He’s human now. There isn’t much he can do,” Cas tried to calm Dean down but the hunter just huffed. “I thought you would know better than to underestimate humanity.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes: “You know, I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

“Yeah whatever…,” Dean turned around and went to the kitchen with Sam on his heels. Cas didn’t follow him right away. He wondered why Dean was so angry with him. Maybe he should just go back to Jack. There was a certain allure to that thought, not only because he felt stubborn following Dean when he so obviously seeked a quarrel with him. But they had to form a strategy, make a plan about what they were going to do about the Darkness and it seemed inappropriate to let childish emotions dictate his behavior. He hated that Dean always had this powers over his emotions. It was infuriating.

 

When Cas joined them in the kitchen Dean had a glass of whiskey in his hand as he paced the room. “So how do we find him?”

 

“He was very fond of stories, books… And he has to earn money now to survive so maybe he works in a library or a book store.”

 

“That only leaves us with over a million possibilities,” Dean growled and Sam shook his head at Dean’s aggressive behavior. “Look, it’s not going to be easy but Cas has a good point here.”

 

“And we don’t have much time…, “ Cas added slowly.

 

“Why?” Dean practically glared at him and Cas tried to ignore him, looking at Sam instead. “Angel radio. The others are looking for him.”

 

“Great!” Dean huffed and took another sip. “Not only the needle in a haystack but also this!”

 

“Do you need help finding someone? I’m good with tracking spells,” Jack said suddenly from the door. Cas turned around and smiled at the demon hunter who casually leant against the doorframe.

  
Sam grinned at his brother: “Worth a shot, don’t you think?” Dean just made a noncommittal noise and drank the rest of his whiskey. Sam raised his eyebrow at Dean with a questioning look. He wondered what had gotten into his brother that he acted so pissed off. For a second he caught Dean looking at Cas and Jack with an undefined expression and suddenly it made sense. Sam watched how Jack’s arm slid across Cas’s shoulder as he walked up to him and how he then rested his chin on the angel’s other one. He watched how carefree Cas smiled at their ancestor and yep… now he knew what had Dean’s panties in a twist. Sam just wondered if Dean was aware of his feelings as well.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait! I've got attacked by destiel plot bunnies and I had a small writer's block situation at one scene in chapter 8 (the next chapter of this story) that kept me away from writing. But I moved this up on my priority list so I hopefully should finish this up soon. Again sorry for the wait!!

“I thought you were tired,” Castiel asked the demon hunter quietly.

 

“Yeah,” Jack drawled with a smirk, “but I got lonely without you. Wanted to see what you’re up to.” Jack noticed Dean’s tense expression and the glare he shot at him and frowned. If he didn’t know any better he would have guessed that his descendent had a problem with him being too familiar with Castiel. It wouldn’t surprise him though, Dean had already stated his confusion by the fact that his feelings for Castiel hadn’t changed just because he switched his vessel. Jack knew men like Dean. He had met his fair share in the past. At least Dean wasn’t yelling at him or trying to beat him up about the fact that Jack loved another man. He just hoped Dean’s behavior wouldn’t hurt Castiel’s feelings. 

 

Jack wasn’t blind or oblivious about the way Castiel looked at Dean. He was aware that they both were connected by a deep friendship but he suspected it to be more than that. At least from where Castiel was standing. He knew his angel. Castiel looked at Dean like he once had looked at Jack, back when they were still together. Jack tried not to be hurt by this, after all it wasn’t Castiel’s fault that he couldn’t remember him.

 

He was more than happy that his angel decided to give him another chance though. But the bitter glances he received from Dean made him wonder if the love between Castiel and Dean was really as one-sided as his angel believed. Jack just wanted Castiel to be happy and if Dean wouldn’t step up about this he would do everything in his power to convince Castiel that he made the right choice by choosing him.

 

“So who’s your needle in the haystack?” Jack asked Sam, deciding to ignore Dean for now.

 

“Metatron, former Scribe of God. But he’s human now and we got his grace,” Sam informed him while he put some plates on the table. With all the excitement they had forgotten to eat dinner and when Sam brought the salad they had prepared earlier Jack’s stomach started to growl. 

 

The demon hunter looked down at it with a lopsided grin. “That’s good. I can work with that but maybe I should eat something before I do any magic.”

 

“Eating, yeah. Sounds like a plan. Hope you didn’t just make rabbit food, Sam,” Dean rumbled and Sam raised an eyebrow: “You said  _ you _ wanted to cook and there's nothing wrong about salad…”

 

Dean rolled his eyes: “Really?” He went to the fridge, rummaging in it while Sam and Jack sat down at the table. Jack noticed how Dean somehow knew that Castiel was standing right behind him without turning around as the hunter reached backwards, tapping the angel lightly on his arm. “You want a burrito, too?”

 

Castiel made a noise that sounded like a mix of sadness and frustration: “I fear, I don’t enjoy them us much as I did in the past.”

 

Dean turned around and smiled at him: “I’ll make you a deal. You can have a bite from mine and if you still dig it, I’ll make one just for you, ‘kay?”

 

Castiel smiled at Dean and Jack felt his heart tighten at the sight of it. His angel was so obviously in love with the hunter, he wondered why he hadn’t told him that before they had kissed. Wasn’t Castiel aware of his feelings? Jack somehow doubted that. He had to make sure to ask Castiel about this later. 

 

The angel sat next to Jack and gave him a warm smile that Jack easily returned. His new vessel really looked good. He knew Castiel had problems with occupying human bodies. The woman he had possessed the last time had been on the verge of dying, praying to the angels to save her soul. Castiel had answered her prayer and had sent her soul to Heaven in exchange for keeping her body as long as he had to stay on earth. He wondered about the story of his new vessel.

 

“When my wings are healed I could go and look for Metatron. I guess it would only take a few more days before they’re functional again.”

 

“Ah, I thought it was just my imagination. But they’re certainly looking better now,” Jack stated before he noticed the careful look Sam had shot his older brother. “How is it that you can see Cas’s wings?”

 

Jack used the time chewing on his salad to think about how he should answer the question. He had to be careful not to reveal anything. Especially since the initial shock when he had recognised the bunker from his past time travels. He tried to be nonchalant about it and grinned at Sam. “Having charm has its benefits.”

 

Sam laughed, shooting Dean and irritated look as he soundly drew his chair back from the table, putting a burrito on Jack’s and Sam’s plate before he sat down. “So how do they look like?”

 

Castiel leaned forward in his chair: “I didn’t know you were interested in that, Sam.”

 

Dean huffed: “He’s a nerd, Cas. He’s interested in anything.”

 

Dean didn’t notice the fleeting shadow of hurt flitting over Castiel’s face but Jack did. He laid his hand on Castiel’s arm, smiling at him: “They look magnificent. The deepest black you've ever seen, harbouring the light of stars. They move through the room like snow, soft and silent... my words are inadequate to describe them…” 

 

Castiel looked down at the table, smiling and it warmed Jack’s heart to know he had made his angel happy again.

 

“Yeah, very poetic, Shakespeare. Cas you wanna have a bite?” Dean held his burrito in front of Castiel’s face and winked at him. Castiel stared at Dean with a frown. “No.”

 

Dean blinked before he shrugged and looked away. “Fine. Suit yourself.”

 

Jack felt the uncomfortable tension in the room just like Sam who gave Jack and apologetic look. Jack cleared his throat: “So why are you looking for this Metatron?”

 

“He may have some more information about the Darkness. And maybe about Lucifer. I’ve got some kind of vision of him in the cage and I think it’s related.”

 

Jack felt his whole body tensing up as a bad suspicion crept into the forefront of his mind. “Lucifer… What is your connection to him? How do you know about the cage?”

Sam’s eyebrows rose and he exchanged a quick look with his brother: “Um… kind of a long story involving the apocalypse and that I was Lucifer’s vessel.”

 

“Lucifer was freed from the cage?” Jack whispered in shock. This was all too much. This wasn’t happening… He had to calm down, Dean was already eying him with a suspicious look.

 

“Yeah, but it’s all fine now. We put him back in and he will  _ stay _ there. Right, Sam? Because we don’t do anything stupid and release that bastard. Doesn’t matter if he already has experience in fighting the Darkness.”

 

Obviously this was a matter the two brothers had already discussed but it seemed they had arrived at different conclusions. “Your brother is right, Sam. Freeing Lucifer can’t be the answer to defeating the Darkness. There has to be another way.”

 

Dean gave him a surprised look, before he grinned smugly and pointed at Jack. “See? Even our ancestor agrees and you should always respect the wise and elder people.”

 

“Technically he’s younger than you, Dean,” Castiel quipped dryly without looking up.

 

Dean glared at the angel: “Yeah? Technically you’re older than dirt so shut up.”

 

“What happened to respect the elder people?” Castiel asked as he tilted his head, looking up at Dean. Before Dean could answer that, Sam cleared his throat: “So what’s the gameplan, guys? I’d suggest we split up. Cas, you try to find Metatron and get some information. Dean and I check the area for any signs of Darkness activity... However that would look like. We start tomorrow, afresh and early?”

 

Castiel nodded: “I’ll take Jack with me as soon as we have a location for him.”

 

Jack looked down at his clothes: “Yes, about that. May I borrow some clothes from one of you? I fear my attire could draw unwanted attention in this time.”

 

Dean rubbed the last crumbs from his hand: “Yeah, I could give you some of mine. They should fit you... I noticed, that you don’t seem very fazed about our time…”

 

“Not my first time travel,” Jack answered vaguely. 

 

Dean squinted his eyes: “You’re a regular Doctor Who, huh?”

 

Jack gave him a uncomprehending look before he turned to his angel. “Now that this is resolved, how about I take you up on that offer of your bed. I’m knackered.”

 

Castiel’s lips curved up in a light smile: “Of course.”

 

Jack stood up and waved the others a good night while he tried to ignore the death glare Dean was giving him. If it wasn’t obvious before that Dean had a problem with Cas’s and his relationship it was certainly now. He still didn’t know what to make of this information.

 

But he had more pressing matters on his mind. The whole conversation about Lucifer left him weary and tense at the same time. Clearly him being in this time and at the bunker wasn’t a coincidence. He was here for a reason. It seemed that his destiny had finally caught up with him.

 

**….:::: :::::....**

 

Although Jack hadn’t overstated his tiredness, sleep was the last thing on his mind when he and Castiel were finally back alone in the angel’s room. He smiled at his angel as he walked in front of him, loosening Cas’s tie carefully with his fingers. “I know you don’t need to sleep but would you stay in bed with me tonight?”

 

Castiel looked at Jack’s hands unbuttoning his shirt for a moment: “Yes,” he sounded shy and for a moment Jack stopped unclothing his angel. “Are you alright? If I’m doing something you don’t feel comfortable with, you will tell me, won’t you?”

 

He didn’t expect Castiel to suddenly rush forward, kissing him roughly. He leant his forehead against Jack’s, breathing heavily, his voice nearly above a whisper: “I feel very comfortable with you, Jack. I’m just not used to this… But I want to be… and I want to spend time with you, as much as possible.”

 

“You can’t imagine how happy I am to hear you say those words,” Jack smiled and pulled Castiel’s open shirt from his shoulders, throwing it on a nearby chair. “Let’s get a bit more comfortable, shall we?”

 

Castiel removed his shoes, socks and trousers methodically while watching Jack intently doing the same with his clothes. There were a lot of leather straps and weapons attached to Jack’s attire so it took a bit longer till he was standing in front of his angel in some cotton braies that were held together by a loose drawstring. Jack held his hand out for Castiel to grab it, pulling him into the bed. 

 

“Come here,” Jack whispered as he slid his fingers into the angel’s hair and pulled him closer to kiss him tenderly. Castiel wrapped one of his wings around him, a wing he couldn’t feel but the gesture warmed his heart, reminding him of all the times in the past were Castiel had done this. “I missed you so much…,” he whispered in between soft kisses before he pulled away slightly to look at the angel. “I wanted to ask you something… about your vessel.”

 

Castiel shook his head: “It’s not my vessel anymore. It’s my body. Jimmy… he’s long gone.”

 

Jack let out a relieved sigh: “I know how difficult this was for you in the past. To have to rely on a human body to get around in the world. To steal someone else’s life.”

 

Castiel looked away from him for a few moments, guilt and sadness wormed its way into his eyes. “I’m glad to hear that there was a time this was important to me. When I possessed Jimmy, all I thought about was the mission, averting the Apocalypse. Nothing else mattered to me. I was a tool... Jimmy died the moment I rebelled against Heaven and I had promised him to look after him and his family. Not only did I destroy his life, I also destroyed the life of his family – his daughter Claire…”

 

“I’m sorry…,”Jack whispered, running his fingers through Castiel’s hair and over his scratchy cheek. “You didn’t destroy Zooey’s life, you know?”

 

“Did you know her?” Castiel asked quietly.

 

Jack shook his head: “No, but you told me about her. She was very sick and about to die. You brought her soul to Heaven in exchange for her body. She died without pain, thanks to you.”

 

“Hmmm, I see…,“ Castiel whispered, his eyes looking like he was far away.

 

Jack kissed him again: “Hey, I know sometimes we have to do things that don’t feel right in our line of work. The important thing is to never lose sight of the reasons why we are doing what we are doing. We protect and save people. And sometimes even the world. And I know the bad things we have to do aren’t fair, above all when innocent lives are involved, people we have sworn to protect. But just think about what would have happened, if you hadn’t taken this body. How many lives would have been lost without you in this fight?”

 

Castiel looked at him for a while in silence before he touched his forehead tenderly: “You should sleep. You look very tired.”

 

Jack gave him a quick smile: “I am. Good night, Castiel.” He kissed him one last time before he pulled him close in his arms and instantly fell asleep.

 

**….:::: :::::....**

 

Jack didn’t know what had woken him up but when he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw were deep blue eyes staring at him: “Hey, you watching me sleep?” He asked, grinning like a fool with a happiness that made his heart leap. He still couldn’t believe that he had found Castiel again.

 

“I apologize. Dean told me it was creepy,” Castiel rumbled and gave him a rueful look.

 

“What? No... it's not creepy if you like someone,” Jack reassured him before the expression in Castiel’s face made him remember something. Not that he was keen on having this particular conversation but he just had to know. For Castiel’s sake and for his own. “You like Dean, am I right?”

 

Castiel looked down for a moment with a guilty expression, clearly understanding what Jack meant with that question. “He's my friend.”

 

“Yes, but I mean you like him more than that,” Jack clarified, not willing to give the angel an easy way out of this talk. “Don't worry about me, Castiel. Just tell me, please.”

 

Castiel took in a deep breath and turned on his back in the bed, staring at the ceiling as if it affronted him personally. “He doesn't see me that way. He thinks of me as a friend, as a brother, family. Not that...”

 

Jack nodded, even though he already suspected that Castiel loved Dean, hearing it out loud still felt like a stab in his heart. 

 

The years of training by the Men of Letters screamed at him for getting involved in this century. It wasn’t his time, he didn’t belong here and he had no right to interfere in Castiel’s love life. But he had never played by the rules and he certainly wasn’t starting to now.

 

His only concern was if he could make Castiel truly happy. If happiness for the angel meant being together with his descendant then he would respect that. 

 

“I know you decided to give… us a chance, Castiel… but you know you can’t force this. You may have loved me once but there is nothing that says that you will love me again. And I don’t want you to feel guilty about that or feel obligated to try this.”

 

Castiel turned his head, studying Jack’s face for a moment before he replied in a thoughtful voice: “Sam said something similar.”

 

“He’s a clever young man,” Jack chuckled weakly.

 

“He is. I can clearly see where he got that from.” Castiel grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “I know the situation isn’t ideal and I wished I could just remember you… but I’ve made my decision. I want to try this… with you… Not out of obligation… just because I want someone in my life. And with you I have a chance at that.”

 

Jack gave him a warm smile. He was good at pretending. It made him a good hunter, kept him undetected like a wolf in a sheep pelt among the common people at home. He knew Castiel was settling for him because he thought he didn’t have a chance with Dean. Jack was also pretty sure that Dean liked the angel just as well and if Castiel would find out about that… he would leave Jack. He closed his eyes for a second to get his feelings under control before he made a decision. 

 

Jack pressed a quick kiss on the angel’s lips before he got up from the bed. “Would you keep the bed warm? I just have to go to the bathroom.”

 

“Do you know where it is?” Castiel asked with wide eyes, looking so innocent that Jack felt instantly guilty for the lie. “Yes, Sam showed me earlier. I’ll be right back.”

 

Jack left the room and looked around. The hallway was quiet as he made his way down to the bunker’s archive in a determined pace. He knew what he was looking for and if the Men of Letters from the year 1937 hadn’t changed anything, he knew where to search for it.

 

It… The reason why he had met Castiel in the first place and why he could see angel wings. The reason why Castiel was assigned to him and rebelled against Heaven for him. The first reason why they had been on the run, even before… Grace. 

 

He carefully and quietly opened the door to the archive and went to the first shelves full of boxes. His fingers slid over the light dust on the cartons as he read the labels. It didn’t take long before he found the right one. Under the description was a yellow note where someone had scribbled “God’s toothpick” on it. Jack took in a deep breath and opened the box.

 

It was still there.

 

“I had a feeling there was something else you didn’t tell me,” Castiel said from behind him.

 

Jack froze.  _ Shit! _

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your comments and kudos. I'm so happy that you like Jack! It's going to get more angsty and sad from here on so be prepared. Also unbeta-ed. If you find mistakes pls let me know so I can correct them.

**Chapter 8**

 

“You didn't tell me the whole story.” It was just a statement, conveying no emotions but Jack still had the feeling of detecting a note of disappointment.

 

Jack closed the box in front of him and pushed it back onto the shelves: “No, I didn’t.”

 

He turned towards Castiel who watched him expectantly before he slowly started to tell him the truth.

 

**_Cottage City, Massachusetts 1647_ **

 

_A few seagulls squealed over their heads as Jack walked beside Castiel along the shoreline._

 

_“That’s a lot to take in,” Jack murmured quietly as he watched how his boots left deep footprint in the wet sand. “I understand,” Castiel answered in a calm and sympathetic voice._

 

_Jack rubbed his hand over his face. “So, that’s why you’re here, why you were watching me…”_

 

_Castiel nodded: “It was my task to prepare you for your destiny. But…” She looked away, biting her lips before she stared at the ocean. “since I have started to watch over you… I… I don’t know. I have doubts.”_

 

_Jack somehow just knew that admitting this was a big deal for an angel. He felt slightly better knowing that the angel wasn’t on good terms with Heaven’s plans for Jack either. Castiel gave him a pained look: “You are a good man, Jack. You help people... My father gave humans free will and I somehow fail to see where free will is in all of this... If Heaven forces this destiny upon you.”_

 

_Jack nodded and chuckled: “At least you have a good sense of right and wrong… because this is wrong…. Castiel. Is there anything I can do… no to do this? Not to become what Heaven wants me to be?”_

 

_Castiel stared at the ocean for a while in silence before she turned around to face Jack again with a determined expression: “I’ll hide you with an Enochian sigil from the other angels and I’ll protect you. It won’t be easy and we will get hunted. But I’m your guardian and I won’t fail you… Even if it will cost me my life.”_

 

_Jack shook his head and stepped in front of the angel. He slowly reached up to her face and caressed her cheek with a warm smile: “I don’t want you to get hurt. Can’t you just hide me with this sigil and then tell the others that you’ve lost me? I couldn’t live with myself if you’d get hurt because of me.”_

 

_Castiel tilted her head. “Your life is in danger and you worry about me?” Jack shrugged and grinned as an answer and Castiel tentatively returned the smile: “Your worry is misplaced. I’m a soldier, a warrior of Heaven. Don’t let this human shape fool you. I will protect you.”_

 

_Jack watched the sun rise from the ocean as he nodded: “Thank you, Castiel. I’m glad, I’m not alone in this.”_

 

**_Now_ **

 

Jack took the Spear of Destiny from the box and hold it in his hand for Castiel to see. He shook his head slightly as he gave the piece of a weapon a contemplating once-over. “Do you still know the story about this, Castiel?”

 

Castiel took the spear from Jack’s hand, an expression of sadness and understanding rushed over the angel’s face: “So it’s your soul that’s…”

 

“Yes,” Jack simply stated.

 

“I…,” Castiel looked down at the floor. “I am sorry.”

 

Jack sighed heavily before he took the spear from Castiel’s hands. “You and I went looking for the spear throughout time to hide it somewhere safe. At a place where I couldn’t reach it. In a time where I never should have ended up. We brought this spear to a Men of Letter’s bunker in Kansas in the year 1937 because you said it was the safest place from me. You know what that means, right? It means, it’s not a coincidence that I’m here and it means I can’t run away from my destiny. Sam is Lucifer’s true vessel and I’m his true weapon. And the piece to complete the transformation is right here under my nose, where we thought it would be unreachable for me.”

 

Castiel slowly shook his head: “That doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. It’s not right.”

 

Jack gave him a sad smile: “You know…, that's why I can see your wings and have magic. My soul is part of the weapon. It was always my destiny to complete it. But you saved me from this fate. You said it wasn't right and I should have a normal human life. It looks like… everything we did… everything we sacrificed and it was for nothing. Here at the end of time, with the darkness released… my destiny finally caught up with me.”

 

“I..,” Castiel looked up, a deep frown on his face. “I don’t know what to say… I’m sure… there has to be another way… There is always another way. You can’t give up now.”

 

“Castiel… This has nothing to do with giving up. It’s still about a choice, about making the right choice. When the time comes I won’t run away from this. If this means I’m able to save the world… I will do it.” Jack carefully put the spear back in its case and let his fingers slide over the box before he turned around to face Castiel again. A broken smile played around his lips. “But not tonight… Let’s go to bed, alright?”

 

**….:::: :::::....**

 

He couldn’t say that he didn’t want to do more with Castiel than just sleeping next to him. But he couldn’t hurt him like that, he would never hurt him. The path before him was clear now. And he was grateful that he had found Castiel again. This time he would make sure his angel was happy.

 

This time he would make sure they said goodbye.

 

**….:::: :::::....**

 

Sam watched in amazement how Jack Winchester cast a spell over the map table in the bunker. In one hand he held the vial with Metatron’s grace, the other one glided over the map with a faint blue glow. Jack closed his eyes in concentration as his hand glowed brighter over California. “There he is. Pasadena in California.”

 

“We have to take my car. I’m not in any condition to fly,” Cas stated quietly. Sam raised an eyebrow, noticing how downright sad the angel looked. He wondered if something had happened between Jack and him. Dean interrupted his train of thoughts as he placed the open laptop in front of him. “Looks like the calm before the storm is over.”

 

Sam raised an eyebrow and looked at the blurry picture of an online newspaper article. It was a huge dark cloud and the title of the article stated that thirty people had died who were exposed to it. “They think it was some chemical accident but we have seen this cloud before.”

 

“The Darkness…,” Sam murmured and Dean nodded.

 

“Yeah, whatever the fuck that means,” Dean grumbled and gave Cas a quick look: “So, did you find Metatron? We really need some answers on this.”

 

“Yes, he’s in California. We will drive there,” Cas answered in a low voice.

 

Dean pursed his lips and nodded tensely: “Okay, Sam and I’ll check the case with the mysterious cloud. Call us as soon as you find Metatron.”

 

Cas nodded and turned around to walk out of the room without looking back or saying anything. Sam wondered if Dean noticed that something wasn’t okay with Cas. He gave Jack a questioning look but their ancestor just sighed and looked worried. When Sam turned around to his brother, he had already left the room in the other direction.

 

**….:::: :::::....**

 

Dean threw his duffel bag into the trunk of the Impala with more force than necessary but _god_ if it didn’t make him feel a bit better. He felt uneasy and angry and he had a hard time concentrating on anything. This was all too much.

 

The hunter looked up when he heard footsteps approaching him, his body tensing up when he saw it was Jack. “Can I talk to you for a moment, Dean?”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Dean tried to speak with a nonchalant tone in his voice, like he was totally unfazed by the knowledge that Jack and Cas were together.

 

But it bothered him. Not that he had any right to be bothered by this. Cas deserved to be happy and he knew that. He should be a good friend and support him. He sighed in defeat and closed his eyes for a moment: “I’m sorry for being so… I just hope you’ll make him happy.”

 

Jack nodded, appreciating the honesty and leaned against one of the old cars in the garage: “It's just that he isn't. Happy, I mean. He's settling for the next best thing and you know it.”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

 

Jack rolled his eyes: “Fine, if you want to play it that way. I love Castiel. I will try my best to give him... what he actually wants from you. I know, I can't replace you and although it would hurt me, I just want what's best for him, I just want him to be happy. If you don't want him-”

 

“I only want what's best for him too, alright? But it's not me,” Dean glared at him, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

 

“How can you say that? If you know what he feels for you…,” Jack growled, “How can you do this do him? You hurt him!”

 

“I’d hurt him more if I give into this. He deserves better than me.”

 

Jack flung his arms in the air in exasperation: “I can’t believe you. Are you serious?”

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm down: “You don’t unders–”

 

“No, you’re the one who doesn’t understand. Listen, Dean… I can’t be with him, okay? I wish, I could, but I can’t. I have to go at some point and he can’t follow me there. I just want to make sure, that he will be okay after that. That he will be happy. So please, Dean. Stop beeing this martyr who doesn’t allow himself to be happy. I beg you.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Jack bit his lip and looked down. “Nothing, it’s… just… It’s not my time. I have to go back.”

 

Dean scoffed: “That’s bullshit. If you really love him why would you go back? Nobody is forcing you. You came here, making Cas hope and telling him that you love him and then you gonna leave? What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“I didn’t know, okay? I thought, I could be with him and that we would never be separated again. But no, fate had to punch me in my face and since yesterday evening I know I can’t have that with Castiel. I don’t get a second chance with him. But at least this time, I can make sure that he’s happy.”

 

“What aren’t you telling me?”

 

“It’s nothing…,” Jack murmured and looked away from Dean.

 

“Really? You just drop this on me without any explanation? You’re gonna have to do better than this, pal.”

  
Jack took in a deep breath: “I can’t tell you…yet… Look, Castiel and I go and find this Metatron and when we come back, we can talk about this, alright? Please, Dean… I beg you, think about it. Castiel deserves happiness in his life. I would do everything to give him that… but it’s not in my power…. And it’s not my time. This is your chance at something amazing. Just take it.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta-ed by the amazing mugglerock (thank you so much!). If you haven't already read her destiel fanfiction, I strongly recommend it: [Nothing's Gonna Change My World by mugglerock](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6361402)

The silence in the Impala was deafening. Dean could tell that his brother wanted to talk by the looks he was giving him, but he tried to ignore it. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway. His conversation with Jack had left his emotional state in turmoil and he didn't even know what to think anymore. Nobody had ever called him out on his feelings for Cas before, nobody had ever seen through him and his thick wall of denial. 

 

Dean was angry. He was angry with Jack for making him think about his feelings, and for making him hope, for showing him that happiness was something he could have. But mostly he was angry with himself. 

 

He remembered all of the times when he had thought he had lost Cas for good. How he had felt his heart breaking, leaving him feeling like an empty shell. He soldiered through for his brother, like he always did. It was his job. But he understood that it would always end this way. 

If he wouldn't suppress his emotions, if he would let himself feel these things out in the open, finding happiness with Cas – there would be no coming back from this when fate would inevitably take it away from them again. He would let Sam down and he couldn’t do that.

 

And now Jack wanted to make him think that everything would be worth it. What did he know anyway? He didn't have the same responsibility like Dean had… he didn’t even try to fight for Cas. What could be more important than this?

 

If he were Jack, he would do everything to stay with Cas, instead of shoving him in the arms of another man. And now Dean was back at being angry with Jack because he knew his ancestor would hurt Cas with his behavior. 

 

“Are you planning on strangling the steering wheel?” Sam asked with a worried tone in his voice.

 

Dean sighed and tried to relax his hands, his gaze never leaving the road. He hoped Sam would leave it at that but... no dice. 

 

“Come on, talk to me, Dean.”

 

“I can't,” he didn't even try to conceal the anger in his voice.

 

“It’s because of Cas, right?”

 

Dean faced his brother with a surprised look, “What?”

 

Sam rolled his eyes, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Dean. You’ve had a problem with Jack since you found out about his relationship with Cas. You’re jealous. So what happened? Did he tell you to keep your hands to yourself?”

 

Dean was so surprised by Sam’s word that he didn’t really think before he answered his brother’s question, “It was kind of the opposite…”

 

“Huh? You told him to keep his hands off Cas?!”

 

“What? No! He wants  _ me _ to be with Cas…” Dean shot back in irritation.

 

Sam gave him a confused look , “That doesn't make any sense… I thought they were together.”

 

“Mmhh yeah, I was just as surprised as you are. Man, the guy is hiding something from us. Something big enough he would even give up Cas again. I asked him about it , but he didn't wanna tell me. Said he would when they come back.”

 

“Ominous,” Sam mumbled.

 

Dean agreed with a sarcastic , “Yeah.”

 

Sam clasped his hands together, before he shot Dean a long look. 

 

“What?” Dean grunted at him. 

 

Sam rolled his eyes again , “Seriously, Dean?”

 

Dean stared at the road, biting his lower lip before he growled, “What do you want me to say, Sam?”

 

“How about the truth? Do you wanna be with Cas?”

 

There was no judgement in his brother’s voice and Dean wondered why he was surprised by that. Sam had always been very open and accepting with everything and Dean knew Sam only wanted him to be happy. “It’s not that simple,” Dean mumbled.

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because it’s Cas!”

 

“That’s not an answer, Dean.” 

 

Dean could see his brother’s bitch face from the corner of his eye.  It  _ was  _ an answer according to Dean. Not his problem that Sam didn’t understand that. The hunter pressed his lips together and tried to ignore that Sam was staring at him.

 

“Is it because he’s a man?”

 

The Impala swerved for a moment as Dean shot his brother a shocked look. “What? No! It’s not that… I mean, I’m not gonna lie. It’s still somewhat confusing for me sometimes… but that’s not it. That’s the least of my problems.”

 

“Then what is the problem?” Sam asked and Dean sighed in defeat.

 

“It’s… Cas…. I’m sorry, but I… it’s just… I just can’t lose him, okay? Are you happy now?”

 

“No,” Sam stated roughly . “Why would you lose Cas? It’s not like he doesn’t feel the same about you. You have to be blind not to see that.”

 

Dean didn’t say anything to that. He just stared at the road.

 

“You already knew,” Sam stated after a while. “I don’t understand, Dean. You could both be happy. Why–”

 

"Enough!" Dean interrupted. His knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel in anger, “I don’t want to talk about it. I have my reasons and they are none of your business.”

 

They spent the rest of the drive in uncomfortable silence.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

**A few miles from the Men of Letters Bunker, Kansas 1937**

 

_ “I’m glad you’ve learned the time travel spell. My power will only grow weaker in the next few days,“ Castiel sighed as she sat down heavily on a bale of hay. _

 

_ “How are you feeling?” Jack asked, his voice full of concern as he sat next to the angel. “Is this getting too much for you and our child?” _

 

_ Castiel gave him a warm smile: “We will be fine,” Castiel laid her hands over her swollen belly and looked up at Jack _ _ , _ _ “I want to name her Grace.” _

 

_ “A girl?” Jack asked, his eyes huge with surprise and a smile that radiated so much happiness that Castiel couldn’t help but return it. _

 

_ “Yes, a girl.” _

 

_ “It’s a beautiful name. I bet she will be as graceful as her mother.” _

 

_ Castiel rubbed her neck and averted her eyes, causing Jack to chuckle and to shake his head slightly, “I wonder if you will ever feel comfortable when someone gives you a nice compliment.” _

 

_ “Maybe some day.... We should go. The sun will rise in a few hours and we should do this now.” _

 

_ Jack took her hand and pulled her up in his arms, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Any ideas on how we get into the building?”  _

 

_ Castiel shook her head, “I thought we were making it up as we go.” _

 

_ Jack pursed his lips and tilted his head _ _ ,  _ _ “Why not, sounds like a solid plan.” _

 

_ They had left the barn in the direction where they would find the new Men of Letters building. It was an underground bunker, designed so that no supernatural being could enter it. The perfect hiding spot for the spear. It had taken them over a year to find all of the parts of the weapon. Now they only had to get them to a safe place. A place Jack would never end up and where no angel could find it. Castiel had put it into a wooden box, warding it against angels, just to be sure. But still they had to be fast.  _

 

_ A squad of angels were hunting them since Castiel had decided to stay with him and usually they only had a few days before they caught up with them. They were both warded so they couldn’t be tracked, but every time jump they had to make was like a flare signal for their pursuer. _

 

_ When they arrived at the bunker’s front door, it was unsurprisingly locked. Usually that wasn’t a problem. Castiel could open almost every door. This door, however, seemed to be an exception. Castiel didn’t know if it was because of her fading powers or because of the wardings, but they had to find another way. _

 

_ Jack lay his hand reassuringly on her shoulder and nodded towards the large building towering over the bunker’s entrance. Jack gave her a dazzling grin, “Only commoners use doors anyway. Let's go through the window.” _

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Castiel was very quiet on the drive to California and Jack knew it was entirely his fault. His own emotions were in a turmoil since he had arrived in this time and ,  in retrospect , he wished he had been more careful with Castiel ;  that he had given them more time to figure stuff out instead of jumping head on in all of this. But letting his head rule over his emotions had never been his forte. 

 

“I hope you know that I won’t let you fulfill your role as Lucifer’s weapon,” Castiel told him quietly at some point.

 

Jack sighed deeply , “Even if the world is on the brink of destruction and it’s the only way?”

 

“There’s always another way,” Castiel stated  in  a calm voice.

 

“Well, what if there isn’t?” Jack growled, slowly getting angry that Castiel wouldn’t face the reality of the situation.

 

“There was a time when Dean doubted that too. His destiny was to be Michael’s vessel and to fight Lucifer.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I punched him, “ Castiel glared at Jack. 

 

Jack raised his eyebrow. The threat behind Castiel’s voice was pretty clear , “Okay....”

 

Jack couldn’t remember ever seeing Castiel so angry. He knew he wasn’t angry with Jack , but with the situation they were in. Castiel knew about the journey they had been through from what Jack had told him, fighting against his so called destiny. Jack hadn’t known that Castiel had lived through the exact same experience with Dean later again. 

 

His family line seemed to be cursed to be forever bound to some heavenly shit.

 

Jack crinkled his forehead ,  “How did you meet Dean anyway?”

 

“I saved him from Hell.”

 

“Why?”

 

“We needed him to prevent the apocalypse.”

 

“No, I mean… why you? I would have thought Heaven wanted to keep you far away from Winchester family members after what happened with me.”

 

Castiel frowned when he thought about that ,  “I don’t know. I remember the order came from very high in the hierarchy. There was never a discussion about who should lead the squad of angels into Hell to get to Dean.”

 

“Somehow I don’t think it was by accident, that they chose you to do this.”

 

Castiel sighed and glared at the road ,  “Probably not. It doesn’t matter now… Heaven isn’t the place it used to be anymore. There is no one left alive to answer these questions.”

 

“What about this Metatron we’re looking for?”

 

Cas shook his head ,  “No, he wasn’t in Heaven for a long time. And I want to keep my conversation with him as short as possible.”

 

“So you’re not on best terms then?” Jack asked carefully, noticing how tense Castiel suddenly got. 

 

“No, we’re not… He did this to my wings by the way. He used my grace to cast every angel out of Heaven. And then he killed Dean.”

 

Jack just stared at him. “Huh?”

 

“It’s a long story,” Cas mumbled.

 

“Well, you can’t say your life isn’t eventful.”

 

Castiel chuckled and Jack was happy to have made him smile, even when the laugh dripped with sarcasm. “You could say that.”

 

For a moment Jack watched the sun setting, painting the scenery they drove through in dark red and orange colors. 

 

“You deserve better,” Jack mumbled, but Cas didn’t answer.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

“Shit! Do you see that?” Dean growled as he parked the Impala at the side of the road , a few miles away from the city. 

 

“Yes,” Sam squinted his eyes. “Looks like a military blockade. We can’t go in there with our usual FBI cover story.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean mumbled and scratched his chin. “Any ideas?”

 

Sam shrugged, “We can try to find a way around, going off the street?”

 

Dean didn’t like to park Baby in the middle of nowhere, but they didn’t really have a choice. It was one thing bullshitting cops in a small town, but dealing with the military? That was way too big.

 

Sam took out the map and put a finger on the road they were on, “There is only one road leading in and out of town. We could try to get in here from the west. There’s a forest, should give us enough cover to slip by the soldiers.”

 

Dean nodded ,  “Sounds like a plan. Let’s get going.”

 

The hunters grabbed their stuff, a few weapons and binoculars, and walked a huge circle around the town. They waded for an hour through a cornfield until Sam checked his compass and nodded to Dean, wordlessly communicating they were headed in the right direction. Dean checked the perimeter of the woods with his binoculars. The sun was still up and although he would have prefered it to go into town after dark, the soldiers probably had night vision and that would have cancelled out any advantage they might have had to go in there undetected.

 

He wished Cas was there with them. 

 

Dean bit his lip until it hurt, forcing himself not to think about his friend. And most of all he tried not to think about the fact that Cas was alone with Jack now… on a road trip to California. 

 

Although he could shake the thoughts, it still left an ugly burning sensation in his heart and stomach. He hated this. He hated that he felt like that. He needed to pull himself together because he had to focus on what was lying ahead. 

 

There was no room for spacing out, no room for mistakes.

 

They both carefully entered the forest, trying to stay as close to the ground as possible so they wouldn’t get detected. 

 

Dean guessed they were only a mile away from the city border. They had to be careful now.

 

Suddenly Sam hissed next to him, clutching his forehead and falling to the ground with a pained groan. 

 

“Sammy? What’s happening?”

 

“Ugh, shit…. I’m okay… Shit, that hurt,” Sam hissed in pain, his hands still gripping his head.

 

“Sam?! What happened?” Dean asked, bracing Sam against his shoulder so he could get up again. 

 

“Um,” Sam cleared his throat, “another vision of Lucifer.”

 

“Son of a bitch,” Dean swore, trying to calm down , but this was really freaking him out.

 

Sam took a few deep breaths , “It wasn’t like the last ones. It was more like a warning and very… very disturbing images.”

 

“A warning for what? That he’s coming back?” 

 

Sam shook his head ,  “No… a warning not to go closer to this town.”

 

They shared a look without saying anything for a while. Dean sighed deeply ,  “We have to go. We have to know what’s going on here.”

 

“Agreed,” Sam nodded, still a bit out of breath. “Come on… we just need to be extra careful.”

 

Dean helped his brother up and they continued to walk through the forest. They couldn’t be far away from the town now. When they spotted the treeline they stopped, carefully approaching the line where the forest ended and a large corn field separated them from the town.

 

“What the Hell…” Dean whispered as his gaze wandered over the field. If Hell on Earth was a place, then what he was seeing right now certainly fit the description.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Cas pushed Metatron roughly in a corner and looked down on him with cold eyes. He could feel his resolve crumbling not to hurt the former angel. He looked so pathetic at his feet, bleeding from his nose and mouth. Hurting him had felt satisfying.  

 

“How did you find me?” Metatron sputtered, more blood dripping from his lips.

 

Cas kicked him in his stomach ,  “I’m not here to answer your stupid question. Nor am I here for a friendly chat. I want information. And you are going to tell me everything you know.”

 

Cas could feel Jack looking at him from the back of the room. He had told the demon hunter to stay out of this and he hoped he would listen to him. 

 

“So... Straight to business,” Metatron coughed.

 

“What do you know about the Darkness?” Cas asked flatly, he was already fed up with listening to Metatron’s voice.

 

“The band?”

 

Cas kicked him again. 

 

“Arghh, Oh… oh okay, alright, That was before creation… Our father may have slipped in a few choice words.”

 

“Go on,” Cas growled.

 

“I don't have to tell you anything,” Metatron spat, his eyes twinkling with the usual mischief.

 

Cas grabbed Metatron by his shirt and pulled him up roughly, pushing him against the wall behind him without letting go. “Are you forgetting? You are human now, and I could crush you like a bug.”

 

Metatron whimpered ,  “You're mad. And I get it. I mean, it must suck being everyone's tool, manipulated and used by the angels, by your enemies, by your friends.”

 

Cas punched Metatron in his face again. He didn’t need to hear Metatron’s taunts. He knew where he was standing and what had been done to him. He didn't need to be reminded of it by this assbutt. “The Darkness – what do you know?”

 

“Why do you want to know about that? The Darkness is sealed away… It’s not possible... “

Metatron’s eyes widened with shock: “Don’t tell me Dean somehow removed the Mark of Cain? It’s not possible. It shouldn’t be possible…”

  
“We did remove it,” Cas growled dangerously . “The Darkness, tell me now!!”

 

Metatron slightly shook his head, still in obvious shock ,  “Well , congratulations. You destroyed the entire universe because of your pathetic crush on this human.” He had yelled the last part, obviously not caring if Cas would hurt him again.

 

“You’re wasting my time, Metatron,” Cas pushed Metatron harder against the wall, pressing his hand against his throat. “Tell me everything you know!”

 

“Okay, okay… ugh…. I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you.” 

 

Cas slightly loosened the pressure on Metatron’s throat so he could talk. The former scribe took a few deep breaths before he started to speak again, “I’ll spare you the story of how the Darkness was there before creation and how our father locked it away so he could create the world and everything. You know that story. He locked the Darkness away and he created a Mark that would serve as both lock and key, which he entrusted to Lucifer. But the Mark revealed itself as a curse, and began to corrupt him. You know the rest.”

 

Cas sighed, frustration bleeding into his voice , “But what is the Darkness? How can we stop it?”

 

Metatron looked at him for a moment , “You can’t stop it. It’s a force that will devour everything living and breathing on this planet like a black hole. It will grow and change and distort everything on it’s way until it will reach the borders of this universe. Earth will be the epicenter of its growing destruction and there is nothing that you can do about it. Nothing.”

 

“What about me?” Jack suddenly said next to him and Cas closed his eyes for a moment in frustration.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Metatron asked with a frown and Cas resisted , just barely , to punch the scribe again just for speaking to Jack.

 

“Don’t tell him… Just don’t,” Cas could feel a sickening desperation cling to his heart as he looked at Jack with pleading eyes. He didn’t want to hear Metatron’s answer when the scribe would find out Jack’s identity.

 

“Castiel… I can’t run away forever…”Jack’s voice was soft, the sadness was back in his eyes. 

 

Cas turned away from him. He just couldn’t look at him anymore.

 

“I’m Lucifer’s true weapon. Could he lock the Darkness away with my help?”

 

Metatron raised his eyebrow ,  “Yes, he could.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

“What is this?” Sam kneeled down at the edge of the field, carefully touching a blade of grass. He hissed as he flinched back, his fingers bleeding from a nasty cut he got just by touching the plants. It was an image from a nightmare. 

 

The whole corn field was… changed. As if reality had been exchanged with a fever dream, born in the deepest pits of Hell. The field was covered in blood, dead animals and people… although Dean wasn’t sure if they were actual people…They were spiked on sharp blades of corn, disfigured and in positions that shouldn’t be physically possible. The bodies seemed twisted, bloated and out of proportion. Some of them were missing arms and legs, but having other… things instead.  Flies were buzzing over the field and the stench was stifling and sickeningly sweet. Smelling of rotten fruits and… dead flesh….

 

Dean’s stomach turned and he whirled around facing the forest before his breakfast would leave his body.  He closed his eyes, trying to breathe through his mouth so the smell wouldn’t get in his nose again. He looked up at his brother who didn’t look any better , “How can we fight against something like this?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 

**_Cottage City, Massachusetts 1649_ **

 

_ He couldn’t breathe. It felt like dying. Yes, dying… sounded perfect. An end of all the pain. He just couldn’t… it was too much.  _

 

_ “Pathetic! That you have lowered yourself to be with this…” the voice over him was cold as ice. Jack knew she wasn’t addressing him. Not that anything mattered anymore. He had lost everything. He couldn’t even stand up anymore, or talk or think. Or watch… Castiel was kneeling a few feet away in front of him. Like a puppet. No recognition in her eyes and Jack just couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t look at her like that. He couldn’t save her. He couldn’t save… He was too late. Too late. _

 

_ He felt a shadow falling on his face, someone gripped his chin hard, forcing him to look up. Jack couldn’t see the angel properly, somehow his vision was blurry. Oh, right… tears. _

 

_ “Tell me where you hid the spear!”  _

 

_ Jack blinked the tears away and tried to get out of the angel’s grip. “Castiel…” his voice was just above a whisper and he was aware of how pathetic he sounded. It wasn’t like he had hope that Castiel could still hear him.  _

 

_ He knew what they had done to her. He didn’t need the other angel’s next words to confirm it, “Castiel can't remember who you are. I've deleted every memory of your time together. So, I’ll ask again. Where did you hide the weapon?” _

 

_ Jack huffed out a laugh, “You stupid angel.” _

 

_ “Where is the weapon?” The angel punched him in his face and Jack welcomed the pain. Somehow the physical pain numbed the one that tore him apart inside. The coppery taste of his blood fell on his lips as he glared at the angel interrogating him, “You’re Naomi?” _

 

_ “Yes.” _

 

_ Jack spat the blood in his mouth onto her vessel. It wasn’t much, but it brought across his point. She shot him a disgusted look and for a moment Jack hoped she would lose her restrain _ _ t  _ _ and punch him again. Sadly, she just pursed her lips and with a wave of her hands, cleaned up her vessel again. _

 

_ Jack just grinned, trying his best to rile up this angel, “What makes you think I hid it? Castiel hid it far away from me so I would be sa _ _ f _ _ e. Why don't you ask her? Oh, yes, you can't... because she doesn't remember, right?” _

 

_ Naomi glared at him for a moment before a cold smile slowly appeared on her lips. “Don’t worry, we won’t need Castiel to find the weapon. It may take a while longer, but we will find it eventually. And when we do, we’re coming back for you. So enjoy your pitiful and lonely rest of your life and rest assured: We are coming for you. You can’t escape your destiny.” _

 

_ The angel grabbed Castiel’s shoulder and pulled her up, “Don’t bother calling for Castiel. She will never listen to another human being again when I’m done with her.” _

 

_ Jack screamed. He shouted Castiel’s name until his voice gave up, hours after the angels had left him alone. The sudden silence, a horrific reminder of what he had lost.   _

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

“It’s bad. It’s really bad,” Dean rubbed his hand over his face before he leaned back against the chair and looked at Cas. “I have no idea how we should fight something like this. This is too big, Cas.”

 

Cas and Jack had arrived a few minutes prior just to be greeted by two very depressed looking hunters drinking beer. Not that Cas was in a better mood. He looked even sadder than before they had left. And somehow that wasn’t sitting well with Dean, seeing his friend like that. 

 

His conversation with Jack hadn’t left his mind and he resented the hunter for breaking Cas’s heart like that and for calling Dean out on his feelings for the angel. Why did he feel the need to meddle with this anyway? Cas and him were always content with their friendship, at least that was what Dean was telling himself. 

 

Dean had always been aware of his attraction to Cas and that it had grown into loving the angel over time. Loving him so much that it felt like dying every time he had thought that he had lost him in the past. He was also aware that Cas felt the same way. He knew that he could have done something, developing their relationship into something more if he had wanted to. But he didn’t. 

 

Dean wasn’t relationship material. Not in the life he was leading. He would never quit being a hunter and this life wasn’t the best premise for a happy, romantic love story. It could only end in blood and death. It wasn’t cynical thinking, just facts.

 

Everyone Dean had ever loved had either left him or died, except his brother and Cas. Not that death hadn’t tried enough times with them, but they had somehow managed to dodge that bullet, so far. Their luck would run out at some point, though. It was safer not to risk anything, to do nothing. Cas was better off without him.

 

And still – just watching Cas drinking the glass of whiskey Sam had offered him, taking in his solemn and devastated expression made him want to fuck his objections and just gather his friend in his arms, holding him close and never letting go.

 

Jack sighed deeply and Dean glared daggers at him. “I think it’s time to tell you the reason I’m probably here.”

 

Cas made a snide huffed noise, “You think it was God who sent you to our time? He’s gone and he doesn’t care what happens to this world.”

 

Jack frowned at Cas, “You obviously don’t care either if you put my life over saving the whole world.”

 

Cas forcefully stood up from his chair, “You throw your life away on the account of what Heaven told you your destiny is. I’ve learned that it’s possible to throw out the book and find another way. Excuse me for being upset that you obviously gave up and want to die.”

 

Cas turned around and stomped from the library. As Jack stood up to follow him, Dean grabbed his shoulder and pushed him down into his chair, “I’ll go. You tell Sam what the fuck your story is!”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Cas was sitting on his bed, his hands covering his face as Dean carefully looked inside the angel’s room, “Hey, can I come in?”

 

Cas slowly dragged his hands away from his face as he looked up, his expression void of any emotion. Dean knew better, though. The hunter didn’t wait for an invitation, just sat down next to his friend on the bed. Cas didn’t tell Dean to leave, but he also didn’t talk to him and for a moment Dean was unsure of how to break the silence between them. Why was this so difficult?

 

Since Jack had talked to him, everything was kind of fucked up in Dean’s mind. He wanted to say something, to lay his hand on Cas’s shoulder, like he had done a thousand times before and had never thought about it. But now he was hyper aware of every move and every word when he interacted with the angel. 

 

He missed feeling close to him without having Jack’s words at the forefront of his mind. 

 

_ This is your chance at something amazing. Just take it. _

 

Those stupid words were so tempting and Dean had never felt so two-minded on something before. Before he was forced to think about his feelings it had been easy to ignore it, hiding it deep in his mind behind iron thick walls. But now…

 

Every time Dean looked at Cas he just wanted to scream out his feelings, throwing them in Cas’s face, taking everything the angel had to offer him – consequences be damned.

 

“I think I finally understand why you’re choosing not to be in a serious relationship,” Cas mumbled after a while and Dean looked up at him in shock. What?? No! Cas wasn’t allowed to give up on love and a relationship for fuck’s sake! He deserved to be happy. How dare Jack make him feel like… Dean felt…

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

The irony of the situation felt like a slap in the hunter’s face. If he couldn’t even convince himself to be happy, how could he convince Cas to try it?

 

Dean wrapped his arms around his friend and pulled him close, closing his eyes when Cas laid his chin on Dean’s shoulder and hugged him back. Without thinking much about it, Dean slipped one of his hands up into Cas’s soft hair, stroking through it as he leaned his face against his friend’s cheek. “Cas…” Dean hated how his voice sounded weak and desperate, “don’t give up on love. Just because it isn’t happening with Jack…”

 

“Why shouldn’t I? You were right. With our life this can only end in death and heartbreak. It’s not worth it.”

 

Dean framed Cas’s face with his hands and pulled back a little to look at his friend. “It is worth it! You just haven’t experienced the real thing yet.”

 

Cas frowned, “I think I did once with him. I just can’t remember it. And how feeble is love if cleansing my memory was all it took to never feel like that for him again?”

 

Dean’s mouth went dry and his next question was out of his mouth before he could think about it, “Maybe your heart already belongs to someone else.”

 

Cas just stared at Dean with an unreadable expression before he quietly growled the hunter’s name, “Dean… don’t…” He shook his head slightly, pulling away from him.

 

Dean realized that this wasn’t the first time Cas pulled away when this topic came up. But this time Dean was determined to not let him. As much as he dreaded to talk about it, they had to.

 

“Cas, please...” the hunter gave his friend an imploring look, “Believe me, I don't want to talk about this either. But I think we have to.”

 

“Why? Talking about this wouldn't change anything. You would still...” Cas looked away from him and Dean felt a sting in his heart. They had never talked about their feelings for each other and this was the first time Cas acknowledged that there was something more between them than just friendship. They had always been content with just being friends, although deep down they both knew they wanted more.

 

For a moment Dean didn’t know what to say. Cas was right. They both had pretty good reasons why they had never acknowledged whatever was going on between them before. But the fucking world was ending.  _ And there was shit he had to say, god damn it. _

 

Dean slid his hand to Cas’s cheek to get his friend to look at him. Cas’s eyes were impossibly sad, a deep frown showing how much he tried to restrain himself from probably bolting out of the room. “Cas, listen… I’m an idiot. This still freaks me out and I… shit… I just don’t want to mess everything up. Every time I tried this with someone, I fucked up. You were there when I lost Lisa to the way we live. And there’s this other thing…” Dean sighed deeply; he had no idea how to explain this to his friend, but Cas had to understand what was holding Dean back and that it had nothing to do with how he felt about the angel. “I never said this out loud… not even Sammy knows this… I think…”

 

Cas squinted his eyes, his nose wrinkled a bit and Dean had to bite back a grin seeing him like that. His friend probably didn’t even know how attractive he was and how much he was affecting the hunter. “Sometimes... I find men attractive, “ It was a quiet confession, something Dean had never believed he would ever say out loud. But this was Cas. He knew his friend wouldn’t judge him for it, which made Cas the only person in this world Dean felt like he could openly talk to without upholding a certain image, like he did with his brother, “… but I never… I’ve never done anything about it. I’m not gay and I… I just don’t know if something could work between me and… another man.”

 

“Another man?” Cas asked and Dean could have been mistaken, but for a moment he could have sworn he saw a spark of hope in Cas’s eyes.

 

He swallowed.  _ End of the world. End of the world. _

 

“You, Cas. It was only ever you.”

 

Cas blinked, his lips parted as if he was going to say something, but no words followed. His eyes, on the other hand, told Dean everything. It started with a question, probably about the reality of this moment, before turning into disbelief. His friend blinked again and looked away for a moment, finally finding his words again, “So, what do we do now?”

 

“I don’t know… Are you and Jack?” Dean hated to ask, he dreaded the answer. 

 

Cas shook his head, “He told me he can’t be with me. It broke him apart when we were separated the last time. He doesn’t want the same thing happening to me when...”

 

The anger was back on Cas’s face and for a moment Dean was afraid that Cas would rather be with Jack than with him, but then he remembered the fight from before. Dean laid his hand on Cas’s and intertwined their fingers. It was a new gesture, something he thought would feel weird, but it didn’t, “So, what I gathered from your fight is that he somehow, for whatever reason, wants to sacrifice his life to save the world?”

 

“Yes. I was his guardian in the past. My mission was to prepare him for his role as one of Heaven’s most powerful weapons, the Lance of Longinus. He has to give up his soul for it to work. And it has to be of his own free will. I rebelled against Heaven to protect him from this destiny.”

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot to his hairline, “Seriously, what’s up with you rebelling for Winchester men?”

 

Cas huffed out a laugh, “It looks like a certain charm runs in your family line.”

 

For a moment they just looked at each other before a frown found its way to Cas’s face again, “Naomi told me that I was the famous spanner in the works, that I was somehow broken from the start and that I had never done what I was told. There are vast memory holes when I try to remember my past. I just didn’t realize how often they were tinkering around in my brain… I wonder how many other important things I have forgotten.”

 

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand, “You’re the only angel that isn’t broken, Cas. And no matter what they’ve done to you in the past, you always came back from it. You always fight. The most important thing... your heart… it’s still there and I doubt anyone can take that away from you.”

 

Cas gave him a short-lived smile and squeezed Dean’s hand back, before he rested his eyes on their intertwined fingers. Dean rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand when Cas glanced up again with a shy expression on his face. 

 

It was ridiculous how much Dean felt like he was in middle school again, holding hands with his crush for the first time. On the other hand, this was Cas. He had never been a kid, he had never experienced all of these things. This was all new to him. 

 

Dean wanted to take things slowly, not only for Cas’s sake but also for his own. He knew he had to get used to this. These walls he had built around himself to appear strong for Sammy and for all the people he saved in his life, these walls also held him back from experiencing love differently and openly. He had to make himself vulnerable again and he wasn’t sure if he could do it. But for Cas he was willing to try.

 

Life was short. With the darkness destroying the world, probably even shorter. He couldn’t waste this one chance at a glimpse of happiness, “Cas… I said I wasn’t sure if this would work… but if you let me... if you want me, I’m willing to try.”

 

“I want to,” Dean had never heard Cas’s voice sound so breathless before. Like he still couldn’t believe that Dean was agreeing to this. Although it should have been the other way around, because Dean didn’t get how he deserved someone as awesome as Cas.

 

Dean licked his suddenly dry lips as they got lost in each other’s eyes again. His free hand went to Cas’s cheek, his fingers skimming over the angel’s stubble before he settled them on the back of his friend’s neck. Their foreheads touched and Dean closed his eyes, his nose rubbing tenderly over Cas’s. 

 

The hunter could feel Cas’s breath against his skin, a few moments of inhales and exhales between them, before he skimmed his lips over the angel’s for a first careful taste. Dean’s heartbeat skipped, it felt like his whole body was tingling from the tension between them. He couldn’t recall ever feeling like that before. 

 

He nipped at Cas’s upper lip again, before he went in for a full-on kiss. Cas gasped against him and Dean used that moment to lick into his mouth. In no way had Dean been prepared for the multitude of sensations he was hit with when their tongues touched for the first time. They swallowed each other’s groans, as Dean buried his fingers into Cas’s hair, trying to hold onto something, for he felt like he was overwhelmed and drowning against Cas. Not even in his most secretive dreams could he have imagined how hot and amazing it was to feel Cas under his fingers, to taste his lips, and to listen to his groans and gasps. 

 

Dean’s concerns about having trouble with being sexually intimate with Cas dissipated with every swirl of their tongues, every time he felt the heat curl in his lower body. This was in no way weird or awkward like he had believed it would be. On the contrary, the hunter had to gather every ounce of self-control not to push Cas back on the bed and have his way with him.

 

_ Fuck.  _ He really had to stop. 

 

Dean pulled back from Cas to look at him, finding a matching expression of surprise and the same struggle to get his breathing under control. Cas was the first one to find his words again, “I didn’t know it could feel this way.”

 

Dean’s lips twitched in a quick, disbelieving smile, “Yeah, me neither.” 

 

The hunter carded his fingers through Cas’s hair, enjoying how Cas’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment. “Are you ready to go back and discuss our options? We need to do something, Cas.”

 

Cas inhaled deeply and nodded. They shared one last lingering look before they left Cas’s room, both knowing that exploring their new found relationship had to wait for the time being.

  
  


…. :::: :::: …..

 

Sam and Jack were gone when they went back to the library. 

 

“What the?” Dean mumbled as he searched the bunker for them. “Sam? Where are you, guys?”

 

“Dean… we should check if the lance is still in the storage room.”

 

“We have that thing here?” Dean asked, his voice sounded angry, but Cas knew he was just masking his worry. 

 

They rushed to the storage room, finding the box with the lance empty. 

 

“Shit, shit, shit! Tell me they aren’t on their way to spring Lucifer out of his cage!”

 

Cas knew it was a rhetorical question, “Can you contact Crowley?”

 

Dean rubbed his hands over his face, “Yeah, yeah…” Cas noticed how the hunter’s hands were shaking as he scrolled through the contacts on his phone. He put the demon on speaker so Cas could hear what they were saying.

 

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your call?” Crowley greeted with a bored tone in his voice.

 

“Cut the crap, Crowley! Did you get a visit from Sam and another hunter recently?

 

“Why would Sam be visiting me with another hunter?” Crowley sounded genuinely surprised.

 

“To spring Lucifer from his cage. Is he there?” Dean nearly yelled. 

 

“There is no way they could get here without me knowing. As far as I know –”

 

“They could get to the cage directly. Jack could have used the connection Sam has to Lucifer to create a portal,” Cas interrupted.

 

“You have to get us there, Crowley! Fast! Before it’s too late.”

 

Dean hadn’t even finished the sentence when Crowley appeared next to them. He grabbed both of their shoulders and took them to Hell without questions asked. Cas hated traveling with a demon. It always made him feel slightly sick, but his wings were still damaged, probably even beyond repair. 

 

He tried to stay calm in all of this, although he felt his heart and mind were in turmoil. He couldn’t believe Jack had left him without any words, before he remembered how strange the hunter had been towards him the night before on their drive back to the bunker.  

 

All of his words at that time, Cas didn’t understand why Jack had said them, but now he knew that the hunter was saying his goodbyes. 

 

They followed Crowley in a quick pace to a large, pitch black abyss. It reeked of sulfur, every inch of Cas’s skin burned in the cold, biting air around him. This plane wanted to devour him, to drain him, because it knew this wasn’t a place for an angel. 

 

He looked down in the taunting massive hole, seeing the outlines of the cage, that had held Michael and Lucifer for ages now. Sam and Jack stood in front of the cage like a bright beacon in the darkness. “They’re here.”

 

They made their way down the steep flight of stairs, Dean would have tripped on the weird angles of the steps if Cas hadn’t grabbed him to steady him. “Sam! What the fuck! Step away from the cage!” 

 

Sam looked up and didn’t see it coming when Jack pushed him away, before the hunter cast a spell that surrounded him and the cage with a bright glowing barrier. The spear in his hand was glowing and Cas instinctively knew it was too late.

 

_ No. _

 

There was no coming back, once he had started to give himself up to the weapon.

 

Cas felt something in him dying and go numb. Like a cold hand clutching his heart as the realization hit him. He was too late.

 

Dean grabbed Sam and hugged him before he yelled at him, “What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

Jack faced Sam with a sad smile, “I’m sorry, Sam. I know, you feel it’s your responsibility to fight against the darkness and to be Lucifer’s vessel. But your sacrifice is unnecessary. My body will be empty when the transition is done. I can be Lucifer’s vessel, too. After all, we’re the same bloodline.”

 

Sam shook his head, “Jack… you don’t know that. I released the darkness to save Dean. It’s my fault.”

 

Jack shook his head and turned to Dean, “I’m saving your brother. I know he is the most important person in your life… next to Castiel.” The demon hunter had his eyes firmly trained on Dean. He couldn’t look at Cas, even when he said his next words. “Castiel is the most important person in my life. So promise me you’ll look after him.”

 

Dean nodded tersely, his face looked like it was made out of stone.

 

Cas touched the barrier that surrounded Jack and the cage behind him. Sparks were flying around his hand as the wall repelled his touch.

 

“You know it’s too late, Castiel,” Jack finally said as he looked up from the lance in his hand, “I’m not saying that what we did was wrong, when you saved me from this. I don’t regret any second of spending my life with you, of running away with you. I had my life... And it was fantastic. I had everything, adventure, love, a piece of happiness. More than most people dream of... But the time of running away is over. I’m doing this, because I want to save the world. I want to save you.”

 

“What if you’re wrong?” Dean yelled at Jack, shouting the words that Cas couldn’t bring himself to say. “Lucifer is trapped here for a reason! He wanted to end the world as much as the darkness does now!”

 

Jack didn’t look at Dean, his eyes had never left Cas since his last words. “It’s a second chance for all of us,” he mumbled more to himself. 

  
Cas felt a tear falling from his face, he fell to his knees as Jack was consumed by the light of the spear. There was nothing he could do.  _ Too late. _ He could just kneel there and watch how the bright light engulfed the whole plane, when Lucifer possessed Jack’s empty body, the golden lance in his hand glowing bright and warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huge thanks to mugglerock for beta-ing this! :D Only two chapters left, yeah! And I'm already half way through writing 11.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [Frankie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock) for beta-ing this so quickly! I love you!

**Chapter 11**

 

There was an eery silence where everyone held their breath. Jack - no... Lucifer had his head bowed down, the lance glowing in his hand, but otherwise he wasn’t move. Cas knelt right in front of the archangel and Dean wanted to scream at him to snap out of it and to get away.

 

It felt like cold fingers were crushing his heart when Lucifer’s indifferent gaze fell on Cas. The archangel touched Cas’s chin and lifted it up so he had to look at him. Even from where Dean was standing, he could see the empty expression on Cas’s face. 

 

Lucifer smirked. It looked wrong on Jack’s face, like he was using muscles the demon hunter had never moved in his life before, “Oh, Castiel, if you could fathom the irony of fate that is this entire situation. It’s almost poetic.”

 

“Cas! Get away from him!” Dean hated the desperation in his voice. Why wasn’t Cas doing anything?

 

Lucifer looked up at Dean, the smirk still on his face,”Tsk, tsk, tsk. Dean and Sam. What’s the matter? I thought we were all playing on the same team, now that we have a common enemy? And I’m hurt that you would think I would do something to poor little Castiel here.”

 

“It was you sending me visions about the Darkness,” Sam stated, it wasn't a question.

 

“Yes, I did. Impressive, right? I could feel the moment the Darkness was set free and I thought you kids could use some help.” Lucifer smiled as his gaze fell on Cas again. He tilted his head, shaking his head slightly, “Stand up, Castiel!”

 

Much to Dean‘s concern, Cas obeyed Lucifer’s command without any hesitation. He still didn’t look at them, his gaze was somewhere fixed on the ground. It looked like he was in shock. Could angels even experience something like a shock?

 

“So what, you wanna help us out of the goodness of your heart? I don’t buy it,” Sam glared at Lucifer, but not before he shared a concerned look with Dean. His brother had noticed Cas’s odd behavior, too.

 

Lucifer’s voice dripped like honey, “You know me so well, Sam... No, it’s not from the goodness of my heart. But for once, you don’t have to fear me.”

 

When Sam gave the archangel a sceptic look, Lucifer scoffed, “When have I ever lied to you, Sam? We weren’t on the same side in the past, but I was always honest with you. And besides, you need me to save the world. I’m the only one with the power to do it.”

 

“Why would you want to save the world?” Sam asked incredulously. “You were in the cage because you started the apocalypse.” 

 

“The darkness doesn’t only destroy humans. It will devour everything. This is my father’s creation and I want to preserve it. Just because I happen not to like humankind very much, doesn’t mean I don’t like this world. I also have another reason, but I don’t want to discuss it here,” Lucifer explained in a serious tone. It was strange to hear him speak so candidly. It almost sounded genuine.

  
  


Dean had used the moment of Sam talking to Lucifer to walk up to Cas, pulling him away from the other angel. He framed Cas’s face in his hands, “Look at me, Cas? Are you okay?”

 

Cas blinked and Dean could see the moment when the angel finally joined the here and now again. He still seemed confused and was unsteady on his feet. Dean pulled him closer to stabilize and support him. He felt Cas press his face into Dean’s throat, clutching the hunter’s jacket. His voice was broken and quiet, “I’m not...”

 

Dean carded his fingers through Cas’s hair, holding him close, “I know. But you’ll be okay, I promise. We just have to get out of here.”

 

Dean looked up at Sam, signalling him that they had to go and his brother nodded back, “What about him?”

 

“You know it’s rude to talk about me as if I wasn’t in the same room with you,” Lucifer chimed in.

 

Dean ignored the archangel, “I don’t know, I thought he would go out there and start fighting the Darkness?”

 

“Heeeeelloooo?” Lucifer waved and both hunters looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I can’t go fighting the Darkness, yet. I hate to admit it, but I need Castiel’s help with that.”

 

Dean frowned, hugging his friend closer to his chest, “Why would you need him?”

 

Lucifer let out an exaggerated sigh, “It’s complicated. I want to go now. You’ve got this place, right? A bunker?”

 

Before Dean could nod, Lucifer had already teleported them to the bunker’s library. 

 

The hunter hated it when angels did that, the first few seconds always felt disorientating and made him nauseous. What made him even more sick was to see how Lucifer was standing in front of Cas with his hands on his friend’s shoulder. Dean couldn’t imagine what Cas must be feeling, seeing Jack’s body in front of him with Lucifer in it, just minutes after the demon hunter had sacrificed his life.

 

He still couldn’t believe Jack was dead and that his soul was somehow in this weapon that was now leaning against one of the library tables. Although Dean wasn’t his biggest fan, the hunter had been a Winchester, he had been family. And he saved Sammy. Dean wasn’t stupid. He knew it could have been Sam standing there as Lucifer, if Jack hadn’t stopped him. 

 

“What happened to your grace?” Lucifer asked Cas with a curious tone in his voice, looking at him like he was watching an interesting insect under a magnifying glass.

 

Dean saw red, “Hey, how about you give him a break for fuck’s sake! He just lost his friend and you’re wearing his body.”

 

Lucifer glared at him and waved his hand, causing Dean and Sam to be pushed back into a couple of chairs. They couldn’t move.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck.  _ He hated that even more than angel flight.

 

“It was used by Metatron to cast the angels out of Heaven,” Cas answered slowly.

 

“Ah, yes, that makes sense,” Lucifer scratched his chin. 

 

Cas tilted his head, “Why?”

 

Lucifer shrugged, “I know the spell. Heart of a Nephilim, the bow of a cupid…” He smirked as his look fell to Cas again, “And the grace of an angel, who is in love with a human.”

 

Dean felt a painful stab in his heart when Cas looked away with an expression of shame and anger.

 

“You weren’t aware of that? The other ingredients should have given you a clue. It’s all about romantic love for humans.”

 

“I was foolish trusting Metatron,” Castiel murmured.

 

“Hmmm,” Lucifer hummed before he touched Cas’s shoulder again with a glowing hand. Dean had to look away from the bright light that surrounded the angel for a moment, but when he blinked against the fading light, he could see the huge shadows of wings behind Cas’s back. Lucifer had healed Cas’s wings.

 

“Better?” Lucifer asked softly.

 

Cas nodded, “Much. Thank you.”

 

Lucifer smiled, “You were always so polite…”

 

Cas tilted his head, “You don’t know me. We’ve only met twice. One time you tried to recruit me and the second time you killed me.”

 

“And yet you’re still alive and that, my friend, is my point. Daddy brought you back and it’s not the first time that’s happened. Did you know that?” Lucifer made a gesture for Cas to sit down at the table before he sat down opposite him.

 

“He also brought me back when Raphael killed me,” Cas stated dryly as he followed Lucifer’s invitation to sit down.

 

“And before that?” Lucifer asked slowly.

 

Cas frowned, “I can’t remember. I… I lost a lot of my memories. Can you please let my friends go?” Dean gave Cas a thankful look when his repeated struggle to move still proved unsuccessful. 

 

Lucifer rolled his eyes before he shot a stern look at Dean, “If you promise to behave and let the adults talk?“

 

Dean glared at the archangel, but nodded his consent. It was a relief to be able to move again.

 

“Okay, gather around, kids. Uncle Luci will tell you a nice little bedtime story from the beginning of our time.” 

 

Dean exchanged a cautious look with his brother before he walked up to Cas and sat down next to him. Sam took the other chair next to Cas. 

 

Lucifer leaned back in the chair and watched them for a moment with a quiet headshake, before he clapped his hands once and started his story, “Once upon a time, there was nothing other than Darkness and Light. The Light, also known as Daddy, or God, wanted to create something. The Darkness, on the other hand, only wanted to destroy creation. Since they both were in harmony, nothing ever lasted. Everything that was born, ended at the same time, and was reborn again in an endless cycle. Alpha and Omega. This could have gone on forever, but Dad had other plans. He didn’t want to share. He wanted to be Alpha and Omega at the same time. He wanted control. So, he tricked the Darkness and created archangels. He made us from his own light, believing that the more light was on his side, the weaker the Darkness would become, so that one day he could destroy it. I was born first. The Lightbringer,” Lucifer scoffed. “I was his first weapon, to be used against the Darkness; his hope, his favorite. But I failed. I wasn’t strong enough. So, he created six more archangels.”

 

“So, there are seven archangels?” Sam asked, stunned. They only knew of four archangels.

 

Lucifer nodded, “Yes, Dad was a fan of the number seven. One for every day. Not that days existed at that time... I personally think it’s a prime number thing.”

 

“What happened next?” Dean asked, “I guess, there’s a reason we only know of four of you.”

 

Lucifer pursed his lips, “We went to war. Camael and Sachiel died in our first attack. We had to retreat, thinking of a new strategy when our father came to us. He had found a way to trap and seal the Darkness away. But one of us had to sacrifice his light to incapacitate her long enough, so the others could seal it away. Our youngest brother volunteered instantly.” 

 

For a moment Lucifer stopped talking, an unreadable expression on his face. There was a shimmer of sadness in his eyes, an emotion Dean would have never associated with the archangel. “He was quite peculiar, that one. Angel of solitude and temperance, a lone wolf often confused by our social interaction. His name loosely translates to, ‘Speed of God’ or ‘God is my anger’. Dad created him to be his perfect warrior… Cassiel.” 

 

Lucifer’s gaze fell on Cas when he said the name. The angel’s expression was unreadable and Dean tried to get his head around what Lucifer was implicating, “What are you saying here? That Cas is an archangel?”

 

Lucifer shook his head, “Not is. He  _ was  _ an archangel.”

 

Cas squinted his eyes, “Explain.”

 

Lucifer shrugged, “You died. You sacrificed yourself and it worked. Dad sealed the Darkness away and gave me the key.”

 

“The Mark of Cain,” Sam mumbled and Lucifer nodded.

 

“Father wasn’t the same after you died. He was angry with us, mostly me because I started to feel the effect the Mark already had on me. He praised you, for your kindness and your heart, wishing we all were more like you; especially when he started to create this world and we didn’t show the same passion and love for it, like you would have. In the end, when he created the other angels, he re-created you from your essence that he had gathered after the battle. He gave you a slightly new name, a second chance. And he has been doing it ever since.”

 

For a while Cas just watched the archangel thoughtfully, before he nodded, “I understand. You want to fight the Darkness so you would also get a second chance.”

 

Lucifer rubbed his hand over his stolen face, “I’m tired, Castiel. I was locked away for eons and I would have been locked away again for the same amount of time if the Darkness hadn’t been released. Just for once, I want to feel his love again. He created me to fight the Darkness and now I have the knowledge and the weapon to succeed in this mission.”

 

“How does the weapon help you with this exactly? Why did Jack have to die for this?” Sam asked quietly, his gaze wandered thoughtfully over the long lance still leaning against the table.

 

Lucifer sighed dramatically, “It's all about the sacrifice. Free will, choice, consent, they aren't just empty words. They are intertwined into the fabric of this world and contain their own energy and rules. Last time, I had three other brothers at my side. Now, it's only me. This weapon will even the odds. It contains the energy of a million of souls. Together this weapon will generate as much light as three archangels, probably even more. Your friend was the last missing piece to close the line between the first who sacrificed his life for humankind and the last.”

 

Sam stared at Lucifer in disbelief and Dean wondered what he wasn't getting here. “Jesus…” Sam breathed out.

 

Lucifer shrugged, “Who wasn't God’s son, by the way. He was just chosen by him to be the first one whose fate was to be sacrificed for this weapon. Dad knew that he should prepare for the future. That this cage wouldn't hold the Darkness forever. He couldn’t or wouldn’t create more archangels, but souls in great number were the next best thing, especially if they were fueled by a sacrifice.”

 

Dean stood up after a moment of silence, “I need a drink.”

 

“Make that two,” Sam added, breathless.

 

Dean got them both a glass of whiskey, not bothering to offer anything to the angels. The hunter noticed Cas's stiff posture, and knew what his friend was trying to do. He was trying to channel his previously emotionless state in order to process the grief. It didn’t work, but who was Dean to judge Cas for trying? He had his eyes on Cas the whole time, trying to get a sense of the angel’s state of mind. His friend had his hands folded on the table, giving off an aura of calm. But Dean knew better. He could see the turmoil, the gamut of emotions in the angel’s eyes.

 

“If so much energy is required to even have a remote chance at defeating the darkness, what do you need me for?” Cas turned up to look at Lucifer for the first time since they arrived to the bunker. 

 

“The plan is to destroy the Darkness completely. Not only trap it, but to forever erase its existence. I will take on your role, so you will get an opening to release all of the energy from the weapon. We also need the other angels for a full blast of smiting power to go with the weapon.”

 

“And that will be enough to erase it?” Cas asked with a frown.

 

Lucifer nodded, “I know it will. Father told me. We couldn’t do it the first time because you were the only one volunteering. So, are you with me?”

 

“No, he’s not!” Dean interrupted Cas before he could answer and sat down next to his friend, “Not that I don’t trust you, no wait… I just don’t trust you, so how about you give us a few more details. What do we have to do?”

 

Lucifer raised an eyebrow before he laughed, “You? You have nothing to do. If you’re clever, you’ll stay as far away from the blast radius as you can. I mean, sure if you want to die, be my guest.” He turned to address Cas, “Seriously, how do you put up with these clowns, Castiel?”

 

“Hey, okay, so we’re on the bench, but you could still tell us what Cas’s role is exactly in this. He’s not an archangel. Isn’t it dangerous for him to be there?”

 

“Of course it’s dangerous. We will both have to go to the center of the Darkness. I have no idea what the effects will be on Castiel now that he isn’t an archangel anymore.”

 

“Then why him? I’m sure there are other angels with more juice who could do this. What about Michael?” Dean asked, hating the desperation in his voice. He couldn’t lose Cas. There was no way he would let Cas go on this suicide mission. And if he had to trap him in the dungeon, so be it.

 

“Michael is dead,” Lucifer’s voice boomed through the room.

 

There was a long moment of silence before Cas turned to Dean, “I’m a seraph, Dean. That’s the highest class of angel after the archangels. There is no one better suited for this in Heaven than me.” Cas explained calmly.

 

Lucifer nodded, “Also, I won’t risk going into this unprepared. I know a few tricks to boost up his grace. And… It’s hard to understand maybe, but although Castiel can’t remember being Cassiel… He hasn’t changed very much. He is still doing the right thing without being afraid. Any other angel might run away and I need someone I know I can depend on.”

 

“I will go with you,” Cas stated and Dean rolled his eyes. Of course he would. 

 

“No, Cas. Not before you know every detail,” Dean growled causing Lucifer to roll his eyes. 

 

The archangel stood up and went around the table, nodding to Cas to stand up, too. To Dean’s dismay, Cas followed Lucifer again without hesitation. They stood in front of each other when the archangel touched Cas’s forehead with two fingers. Cas closed his eyes for a moment when Lucifer’s hand started glowing. Lucifer pulled his fingers away when he was finished and Cas looked up at him with a surprised expression.

 

“So, you understand now?” Lucifer asked quietly, his voice softer than Dean had ever heard it before.

 

“Yes. I will be at your side.”

 

Dean wondered what the fuck was going on. He needed to get a few moments with Cas alone, but he didn’t want to leave Sam alone with Lucifer. Just because the angel seemed to be acting civil with them, didn’t mean jack. In his book, he was still the devil. And the devil doesn’t change.

 

….. :::: :::: …..

  
  


“Cas, can I talk to you over here?” Dean asked, trying to get as much space between him and Lucifer. 

 

Lucifer noticed this with a grin, “Don’t worry, Dean. I have to go anyway. I need to collect ingredients to power up Cassiel’s…. Castiel’s  grace. I’ll be back before you miss me.”

 

“So, never?” Dean quipped and Lucifer smirked.

 

“I like you, Dean. But you should be careful. My patience and amusements have their limits.”

 

Cas turned around to glare at Lucifer, “Don’t threaten him.”

 

Lucifer smirked, “Always so protective of your… whatever.” He winked and was gone from the bunker a second after. 

 

Sam exhaled deeply, “That was creepy.”

 

“Understatement,” Dean nodded, “What the fuck are we going to do? Do you really believe he will fight against the Darkness?” The last question was directed at Cas.

 

The angel nodded, “I know he will. He shared memories with me and his intentions are honest.”

 

“And what about after that? When he has defeated the Darkness?” Sam asked before Dean could.

 

Cas looked up with a frown, “I think you both misunderstand the situation. He will die. There is  no  _ after _ for him, if his plan does work and father won’t resurrect him.”

 

“So, he’s only doing it to get back on God’s good side?” Sam asked, disbelief clear in his voice.

 

“There is more to it than that. It was his first order and he never fulfilled it. He wants to correct that…. And he also… He’s tired of the cage. He wants it to end.”

 

Dean stepped in front of him, his hand found its way to his friend’s shoulder, “What did he show you?”

 

Cas bit his lower lip and looked down, “Pictures, memories, conversations from our past… From my past. I saw myself through his eyes, how we were. It was strange… Lucifer and I… we were... friends? No, that’s the wrong word… He protected me, liked me the most. I was the youngest. I looked up to him.”

 

Every sentence sounded like a revelation to Cas when he spoke out loud, “He also showed me the battle… And my death.”

 

Dean couldn’t listen to this any longer. 

 

Cas was going into battle without him at his side. Against an overpowered evil force they knew next to nothing about and what effect it would have on Cas. Dean could lose him.

 

Dean huffed out a sarcastic laugh, “I can’t believe it. I confess my feelings to you the night before you ride your horse into battle, leaving me behind like a fucking princess.”

 

Cas tilted his head, “I don’t have a horse.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes, “Not the point, Cas. This is probably your last day on earth. And fuck… I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lose you. And I know what you want to say…  I get it, okay? I would say and do the fucking same, if I were you. But it’s… it’s…” Dean couldn’t finish the sentence. Anger, frustration and desperation choked him, leaving the rest unsaid.

 

Cas gave him a warm smile, his fingers finding Dean’s face as he held him, “Are you giving me your ‘last day on earth’ speech?

 

Dean let out a sad chuckle. He took a deep breath and attempted to give the angel a charming smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, "If I did, would it work?"

 

Cas stroked his thumbs over Dean’s cheek, “Of course.”

 

Sam interrupted the moment by clearing his throat, “I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. With my headphones. Tell me when Lucifer’s back, okay?”

 

Dean saw the grin on Sam’s face, the approval that Dean had finally gotten his head out of his ass and had told Cas how he felt. Dean was grateful for his brother leaving him alone with Cas for the rest of the time they still had together. He didn’t want to waste a single second of it as he pulled Cas by his coat sleeve behind him and to his room.

 

To say that Dean was nervous was a vast understatement. The original plan was to take it slow, but fate was a bitch. He should be used to that fact by now. And just because this was all new to Dean and he had never done anything sexual with a man before, he wanted to do this. He needed to do this. 

 

He needed to feel Cas, like he had always wanted him, but never dared to act on. He needed to see what happiness felt like. Just for one moment in his life, he wanted to feel complete. He wanted the eternal search and longing to reach the finish line to be over. He needed to know that this one person, that would make him happy and complete, was  _ his _ . Lying in his arms, even if it was just for one night.

 

The hunter slowly closed the door to his bedroom and turned around to Cas, who watched him calmly. How could Cas be so cool with this, when Dean clearly remembered the utter fear on Cas’s face when he had faced a half naked woman for the first time?

 

Cas stepped in front of Dean, right into his personal space, not that Dean minded that. His blue eyes were searching the hunter’s before his fingers found Dean’s hands, “We go slow?” 

 

Cas’s question sounded hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure if he was phrasing it correctly, or maybe to make sure they were on the same page.

 

Dean nodded and framed Cas’s face with his hands before he leaned in for a tender kiss. It was just feather light brushing of lips, carefully nipping, but Dean instantly felt dizzy. 

 

He always thought it would be weird touching another man like that, but it felt… breathtaking. Like he got swept away by everything, but still was securely anchored by Cas’s strong hands on his hips.

 

Maybe it didn’t feel weird because it was Cas. Dean loved him, more than he had loved anyone in his life.  

 

He licked over the angel’s lips and was rewarded with Cas opening up, the taste of his tongue against him. Cas’s low gasps went straight to Dean’s cock. Reassuring the hunter again that he was doing the right thing. That he could enjoy this.

 

Cas’s hands wandered higher from Dean’s hips to his back, pulling him closer. The hunter felt weirdly secured by Cas’s hold, protected… something Dean wasn’t used to feeling as a hunter… except for all of the times Cas had been at his side. He trusted Cas and he knew that all of his wishes and desires could only be fulfilled by his friend, because of that trust. He wanted to feel united with him, connected… On a level he wouldn’t let another person. 

 

Cas was the only one who he trusted with his heart and his soul, because he knew the angel would guard and protect it even more than his own.

 

Usually Dean was all for rough, passionate sex, but this slow undressing and exploring each other with careful touches felt far more intense; unlike anything he had experienced before.

 

Both of their shirts fell to the floor when Dean’s fingers slid over Cas’s back. He heard the angel gasp and felt him tense up under his hands.

 

“Wow, that's a pretty intense reaction,” Dean stated, surprised as he looked at Cas to see if he was okay. Cas’s eyes were hazed with lust, a beautiful sight that made Dean's heart beat even faster. 

 

Cas was breathless when he nodded, “Yes, it's where my wings meet with my body.”

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot to his hairline. He didn't realize that Cas would be able to feel his caresses at the base of his wings, considering they were invisible and untouchable. Something Dean tried not to think about, because he wished he could see that part of Cas, “So, is it a good intense, or…”

 

Cas smiled shyly, “Very.”

 

Dean smiled back, enjoying that he had found out something new about Cas, a knowledge that he would certainly put to use to make this as mindblowing for the angel as possible.

 

He slowly traced the lines of Cas’s shoulder blades with his fingers enjoying how it caused him to bite his lower lip to stifle a moan. Cas hadn’t been kidding about it being an erogenous zone. Dean’s hands traced the hard lines of muscles down Cas’s back until he reached the waistband of his pants. He traced the line of the material until he reached the belt buckle. 

 

“You really want to do this, Cas?” Dean asked quietly.

 

He felt Cas’s hand in his hair before his friend pulled him into a rough, deep kiss and pushed him back towards Dean’s bed. That was one way to answer that question and it also stomped down the last bits of doubt Dean had about this. 

 

He had never felt this way with a woman before and he didn’t know how Cas was doing this to him. Just kissing, feeling his tongue in his mouth  – it made his knees weak and he felt himself start to tremble. He was sure this never happened to him before, not even as a teenager.

 

The back of his legs hit his bed and he toed off his shoes, before he quickly opened his jeans and pulled slightly away from Cas to look at him, “Let’s get this all off before…” He kissed Cas’s lips again, because they were so open and inviting, “Let me help you.” He whispered against his friend’s lips as he opened Cas’s belt buckle. 

 

Usually undressing was the least sexy part in Dean’s mind, but this time the hunter felt like he had a lot of things that suddenly changed just because he was doing them with Cas. Slowly undressing him, touching his strong thighs and muscled legs as he helped Cas out of the rest of his clothes felt exhilarating. 

 

Dean licked his lips as his gaze fell on the tented, white boxershorts Cas was wearing. He quickly removed his own jeans and socks before he pulled Cas into another deep kiss, his friend was eager to reciprocate. They were so close that Dean could feel Cas’s erection pressing against his own. He couldn’t stop himself from moving his hips against Cas’s to get more of the perfect friction, while he swallowed the moans coming from Cas’s mouth.

 

He pulled Cas with him onto the bed, enjoying how the angel rolled them over so that he was on top of Dean. The hunter could feel Cas’s teeth when he nibbled at Dean’s upper lip and Dean thought he was going to lose it. He had no idea how Cas was doing this, how he always seemed to touch the right places, to kiss him exactly like Dean needed it in that moment. 

 

Cas’s hand wandered over Dean’s chest, circling his tattoo, his nipples, before Cas’s lips followed the trail of his fingers with his tongue. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

Dean moaned when Cas’s tongue flicked over one of his nipples. “Cas,” he gasped and looked down at the angel. His friend looked up, and fuck  – that was a sight Dean surely would never forget. Cas’s hair was a beautiful mess , his lips were open, his breathing ragged and his eyes… _ Fuck _ … Even though Cas wasn’t the most expressive person in the world, his eyes always were. And at the moment they told a story of love, lust and adoration, with complete paragraphs of trust and excitement and… hope…

 

Dean felt like he was losing his breath, his heart made a painful leap in his chest as he grabbed the back of Cas’s neck, “C’mere”

 

They were practically hugging on the bed as Dean kissed Cas again, trying to show him that he felt the same way about all of this. He couldn’t put his feelings into words, but he was hoping he could show Cas. 

 

He pulled away a bit to look at his angel, their quick breaths ghosting over each other’s lips. Dean’s voice was quiet and breathy, “Cas... How do you uh... How do you want to do this?”

 

For a moment Cas just looked at him, “I just want to do what you are comfortable with, what do you want?”

 

Dean almost laughed. He wanted everything and that was exactly what he told his angel, “I don’t know, I kind of want everything... I want to experience everything with you.” 

 

For a moment they shared a look, in the companionable silence of Dean’s bedroom. Dean had never felt so intimate with someone before. Here in his lover’s arms, in Cas’s arms, he felt like he could tell him eve rything. All of his secret desires. 

 

Cas’s lips curled into a smile, his blue eyes glistened with happiness, “But what do want now?”

 

Dean leaned closer, licking over Cas’s upper lip before he mumbled his desire against the angel’s beautiful mouth, “I want to feel you inside of me.”

 

Cas gasped before he gave Dean a surprised look. Dean chuckled and kissed Cas again, “Don’t get me wrong. When this is all over, you know the darkness and everything, I will have you.” He smiled as he felt Cas shiver under his touch, “But for now I want to feel you...”

 

He kissed Cas again, deeply and passionate, enjoying the angel’s fingers in his hair and on his shoulder, right where he once carried Castiel’s handprint. The thought made him smile against Cas’s lips. They had always belonged together.

 

Dean reached over to his nightstand to grab a bottle of lube, “Do you know what to do with this, Cas?”

 

To Dean’s surprise his friend nodded as he took the bottle and opened it. Dean closed his eyes and tried to relax. He wanted this. He had never done this before with another person, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t been curious. There had been a lot of nights where he had used his fingers to open himself up, to imagine how it would feel to have someone inside of him. He had never tried to imagine that it would be Cas; the thought had been too dangerously close to the truth of his desires.

 

He gasped when he felt Cas’s wet fingers carefully touching and circling his entrance. 

 

Dean could feel Cas hovering over him, “Look at me, Dean.”

 

The hunter opened his eyes and, fuck yes… This was real. This was really happening. He was so used to stomping down any kind of happiness and hope, that it was hard to let go and relax, to accept and believe that something good was happening in his life. That Cas was his.

 

Cas left a feather light kiss on his lips before he carefully pushed one of his fingers inside of Dean. He gasped at the sensation and grabbed Cas’s shoulder to hold on to him. Cas kissed him again as he moved his finger and instantly found Dean’s prostate, as if he knew what he was looking for and how he should touch Dean. It almost felt like Cas knew Dean’s body better than Dean did.

 

“Fuck,” Dean gasped as Cas started to rub his finger over the bundle of nerves. 

 

Cas gave him a quick, worried look, “Is this okay?”

 

“More than okay, Cas,” Dean mumbled against Cas’s lips before he kissed him again. He couldn’t get enough of those beautiful lips. They felt soft and pliant under him and...  _ oh, _ so hot.

 

Dean thought he was losing his mind. He had to question whether Cas was using his mojo, because the angel's ministrations felt way too good. The burn and stretch as Cas entered him with a second finger felt amazing and his dick started to throb, precum dripping down the head. Shit, he was almost on the verge of coming, at this rate, he wasn't going to last very long. Dean bit his lip and groaned, “Cas, oh fuck… I… I need you…”

 

Cas answered Dean’s begging by licking deep into the hunter’s mouth and adding a third finger to open him up. Which, yeah… was probably necessary because Dean had seen Cas’s dick. He couldn’t stop moaning and he was loud. He wasn’t usually like that, but Cas was driving him nuts with this slow pace and the way he massaged over his prostate. 

 

“Please, Cas,” He groaned. “Please…”

 

He could see the effect his words had on his friend. How his breath came out in short gasps and he looked like he needed all of his resolve to hold himself back. His angel's cheeks were tinted a shade darker, his arousal evident with the heated looks he directed at Dean.

 

Finally he nodded and kissed him again before he removed his fingers. Dean could have cried out, the sudden emptiness was too much. He was mad with the want and need to be filled again. Cas made a humming noise, almost a growl as he lubed up his erection and pulled Dean into a better position for him to enter his lover.

 

Dean moaned as he felt the head of Cas’s dick push into him, “Fuck, yes, oh… Cas…” He grabbed Cas’s arms to hold onto him, biting his lip as the angel carefully pushed deeper. 

 

It was almost like blacking out with the lust and need he was feeling. He was aware that Cas was close to him, holding him securely in his arms. Cas’s mouth left feathery kisses on his face, before his lips found Dean’s ear, “Dean…”

 

In that one breathy moan, the barest whisper of his name, Dean heard and felt everything that Cas was feeling; more than a million words, poems, or love songs ever could. Only Cas could say his name with so much meaning. Only Cas could make him feel this way.

 

Cas started with slow thrusts that were already too much. Dean was floating somewhere between dream and reality and nothing made sense anymore. It was just him and Cas and then nothing. He let the feeling overwhelm him, let himself be taken by Cas, moaning his name as a synonym to everything he felt in that moment.

 

He was so close. He didn’t want to come just yet, he wanted to prolong this. He didn’t want this moment between them to end as he tried pushing away all of the thoughts that started with “why” or “if”. But he was already too far gone and he felt the heat pooling in his stomach and the tension in his groin. “Cas… I’m… close… please…”

 

Cas gripped his hips hard, probably leaving marks on his skin and Dean couldn’t care less. He quickened his pace, starting to thrust deeper and harder, the muscles in his arms flexing under Dean’s hands. 

 

Dean braced himself against the headboard as Cas continued to fuck him hard into the memory foam of his mattress. Moaning loudly and encouragingly for Cas to finish this. To drive Dean over the edge. He knew he had said he wanted to fuck Cas the next time they had sex, but he already knew he was addicted to this feeling, so full and complete. So needed and needy. 

 

Cas leaned over him and scooped him up from the bed, pulling him onto his lap and continued to thrust into him as if Dean’s weight was nothing. Dean wrapped his arms around him, letting his fingers trace Cas’s shoulder blades, knowing what that would do to his angel. 

 

Cas moaned harshly and lost his rhythm for a moment before he grabbed the back of Dean’s neck to pull him down for a deep kiss. They let their foreheads touch after that, gasping when Cas licked over the hunter lips as his hand glided between their bodies to wrap his fingers around Dean’s cock. 

 

Dean almost came from just that first touch. He bit his lip hard, Cas’s voice was broken and low against them, “I want to come… inside you…”

 

The hunter gasped as he felt himself coming all over Cas’s fingers, “Cas… oh, fuck, Cas… yes.”

 

Cas stroked him through his orgasm before he wrapped his fingers around Dean’s waist again to get more leverage and to fuck him harder. He laid Dean down on his back again, probably feeling how Dean couldn’t hold himself up anymore. He thrusted inside of him a few more times, before he tensed up over him with an open mouthed gasp and Dean could feel being filled up with his hot release.

 

They stared at each other, fast breathing and a look of surprise on Cas’s face, as though he hadn’t anticipated how this would make him feel.

 

After a long moment, Dean started to chuckle as happiness bubbled up inside of his chest, “Fuck, Cas. That was awesome.”

 

Cas smiled, a genuine, wide smile where his eyes crinkled at the side, a smile that took Dean’s breath away, “Yes, that was…  _ awesome _ .” 

 

Dean chuckled even more when Cas tried out the new word. They looked at each other as their breathing slowly returned to normal, both with a happy, content smile on their face. Cas leaned down to kiss Dean tenderly, as he carefully pulled out of him. 

 

Dean didn’t like the feeling of suddenly being empty, but he could still feel the light burn and stretch from what they had done. He knew he would probably still feel it tomorrow. He also felt Cas’s come, hot and wet against his thigh.

 

Cas kissed Dean’s shoulder before Dean pulled him down and turned them on the bed so they could lie next to each other. His hand found its way into Cas’s messy hair, carding through it with a soft graze.

 

Dean pulled Cas closer and hid his face against Cas’s neck, “You come back to me, you hear me.”

 

He felt Cas wrap his arms around him and pull him closer, his voice quiet, “Of course.”

  
  


….. :::: :::: …..

 

“Isn’t that a sight? Heaven’s most hated teaming up with Heaven’s most wanted.” 

 

It was a bold statement from one of the angels, considering they stood before an archangel, who had the power to kill him with a wave of his hand.

 

Lucifer just grinned, “Aren’t you a pesky little thing.”

 

The angel paled, but tried to hold his chin high in defiance. Castiel shook his head, “Lucifer, don’t. We’re not here to start a fight, Saphiel. We’re here because of the Darkness.”

 

The angels all looked at each other before Saphiel nodded, “What do you know about this?”

 

Lucifer sat down on the table amidst the angels and smiled, “Well, we both were there when the Darkness was defeated the first time. And we both will destroy it this time.”

 

Saphiel frowned, “Castiel is a seraph. He couldn’t have been there. We know the fight was before we angels were created.”

 

Lucifer held up one finger and grinned, “There is a lot Daddy didn’t tell you. For example: the fact that our Castiel here was an archangel before all of this. He was always made from another wood than the rest of you. Kind of the reason why he’s so special.”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes, “I’m not. I just want to help. To fight the Darkness we will need an enormous amount of light to destroy it. Lucifer will release his grace to stun the Darkness and we will have to coordinate an attack to destroy it. I will need you to attack the Darkness with every angel at the same time I attack it on the ground.”

 

There was a weird atmosphere in the room after Cas had finished speaking, where the angels looked shocked and sad. Saphiel stepped forward, his expression suddenly solemn, “You can’t do that, Castiel.”

 

“Why not?” 

 

Saphiel sighed and exchanged a quick look with the other angels, who nodded at him. “There is something you should see.”

  
  


….. :::: :::: …..

 

Dean paced up and down in the library, ignoring Sam’s worried and pitying look. Lucifer had taken Castiel with him to Heaven a while ago and Dean was… Dean didn’t know how he should feel.

 

He was tense, wondering if he would get to see Cas again before they would go and attack the darkness.

 

“Dean, sit down. You’re making me nervous,” Sam finally sighed as he put his book down.

 

Dean rubbed his hands over his face, “I need a drink…”

 

He went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge, but after some consideration, put it back. He needed something stronger. The bottle of Jack on the shelf for example. Glasses were overrated when you needed to forget.

 

Sam had followed him, “Dean, come on. At least use a glass and give me one too, okay?”

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment before he sighed in defeat and filled two glasses with hunter’s helper. He gave one to his brother with a glare that hopefully contained the message he didn’t want to talk about it.

 

Apparently Sam didn’t get the message, or he chose to ignore it, “You think Cas will come back before they attack the Darkness?”

 

Dean shrugged, “He told us not to leave the bunker, so I guess not.”

 

Dean sat down at the kitchen table and took a large gulp from his glass. The whiskey burned in his throat and was a welcome distraction as it spread its warmth to his stomach.

 

“I know how you feel. You want to get out there and help, but this is so much bigger than us, Dean.”

 

Dean leaned back and looked at the ceiling, silently praying for Cas to be careful and to come back in one piece. “I know, Sammy. But that doesn’t make me feel better. This is on us. We should fix this, not Cas.”

 

….. :::: :::: …..

 

Castiel didn’t know what he should feel when he saw the angel in the cell before him, that the others had sent to get information about the Darkness. She had turned into something unrecognisable; madness, chaos, darkness.

 

The limbs of her vessel were all wrong, instead of wings she had spikes coming from her back. Her head was backwards and her eyes black like a demon.

 

“She is lost,” Lucifer stated, his voice uncharacteristically sad. He waved his hand and the former angel dissipated into thin air with a scream, only black dust remained in the cell.

 

“The same will happen to Castiel if he goes in there. She was a seraph,” Saphiel explained bitterly.

 

“You did good showing us,” Lucifer scratched his chin thoughtfully before he looked up at Castiel. “Go back to your humans and wait for me there. I might have an idea to protect you in there, but I have to test that theory first.”

 

Castiel nodded and Lucifer grinned at him before he faced Saphiel, “See? That’s what I like about this guy. Even with an imminent fate that is worse than death, he still doesn’t complain or try to save his own life. Loyalty to the cause until the bitter end.” Lucifer shook his head slightly, his eyes turned softer when he looked at Castiel, “I ’ll  see you later, little brother.”

 

It was strange hearing those words from the archangel. Like something inside of Castiel was stirring and squirming, like it wanted to break free. Memories.

 

He tried to listen to his inside voices that attempted to remind him of something, he wanted to take hold of the thoughts and memories, but they slipped through his fingers like smoke, vanishing back into the void.

 

He looked up at Saphiel who was looking at him with a worried expression, “What was her name?” Castiel asked finally.

 

“Ambrial, she worked in birth and death statistics.”

 

Castiel frowned, wondering why Heaven hadn’t sent a warrior instead of someone like her, “She wasn’t a warrior.”

 

“No, she… She was expendable,” Saphiel admitted. 

 

Castiel felt his wings flare with anger as he stepped in front of the other angel, “No one is expendable! Make sure she is remembered for what she did!”

 

Saphiel nodded and left him in the hall. Castiel had expected that returning to Heaven and talking to his brothers would be difficult, but he hadn’t anticipated Lucifer defending him like that. The archangel had shown him pictures and conversations from their past, back when Castiel had been an archangel  – a thought that still felt confusing and stirred strange emotions in his chest.

 

Castiel leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to feel. The last hours of his life had felt like the worst and best in his whole existence. 

 

He hadn’t had a chance to feel closer to Jack in the short time they had known each other, but the loss felt heavy in his heart. At the same time Jack had helped him and Dean find their way to each other, something Castiel felt incredibly thankful and happy for.

 

He had also finally found an answer to why he had always been different from the other angels.

 

_ You're the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off of the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told. Not completely. You don't even die right, do you? _

 

Finally Naomi’s word made sense to him. He wondered how often he had been brainwashed, how often he had chosen his own path instead of following Heaven’s orders. Maybe father had resurrected him because of that defiance, that spark of free will and heart, that other angels had problems connecting with. Maybe it was because Castiel could feel love.

 

He loved Dean. And because of that love he knew he needed to do the right thing. He needed to stop the Darkness at all costs, even if it meant he would have to risk his own life.

 

A pain in his chest made him realize that he now understood Jack’s decision. 

 

He felt Dean’s prayer and his longing to return to him safely. His wings spread out without making a conscious decision about it. He would use the eleventh hour to say his goodbyes. 

 

….. :::: :::: …..

 

Dean nearly dropped his glass when Cas appeared next to him in the kitchen. Cas had lost the ability to fly for such a long time now, that he still wasn’t used to the fact that he could fly again. “Cas! You’re back!” He stood up and pulled him into a hug, despite Sammy being in the room with them. He let it linger, not wanting to let him go just yet, although he knew it wouldn’t change anything. His voice was too quiet for his liking as he pulled back to look at his angel,  “Everything okay?”

 

Cas sighed deeply and nodded, “Lucifer told me to wait here. He’s looking for something to protect me against the influence of the Darkness.”

 

“What do you mean by, ‘influence,’ Cas?” Sam asked before Dean could.

 

“Heaven had sent someone to investigate the Darkness. The angel… Ambriel... was turned into… into something unrecognisable… There was nothing we could have done for her.”

 

“Does that mean this will happen to you, too, if you go to close?” Dean asked, dreading the answer.

 

“Yes, that’s why Lucifer is looking for a way to protect me. I think he has a plan.”

 

Dean felt anger rising in his chest, “And what? We just trust him to watch your back? Why? Because he said so? He killed you once, Cas, without thinking twice about it. He doesn’t care about your life.”

 

Cas gave Dean a sad smile, “I know. But he cares about this mission and he needs me alive for that. And I won’t let Jack’s sacrifice be in vain.”

 

“And what about us? What about me, when you die, huh? We don’t know if God will bring you back again… and I don’t even know where angels go when they die.”

 

Cas laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder, directly over the spot where Dean once carried the angel’s handprint, “If I fail, this world will be gone. Everything will be lost. Nothing will matter anymore. And if I succeed you will survive – ”

 

Dean grabbed Cas’s hand on his shoulder and pulled it over his heart, “I won’t survive if you don’t make it.”

  
Cas leaned his forehead against Dean’s. His voice was determined and low, “No force in the universe will keep me from coming back to you, Dean.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the really long wait. If you read my other stories you know what kept me from finishing this. This is the last chapter and I wanted to thank all of my readers and all of you, who left comments. Thank you a lot!! Especially for liking Jack Winchester. Special thanks to mugglerock for beta-ing this sooooo fast.

 

_ He saw himself from the outside, not with the body he had been used to for a long time now, but his true form. It was different, brighter and stronger, but it was him. _

 

_ He saw himself from Lucifer’s eyes, how the archangel leaned over him and kissed his forehead. He heard his own voice filled with confusion, stating something that sounded more like a question, “You are unhappy?” _

 

_ “Of course I am,” Lucifer’s voice sounded soft and warm. _

 

_ “Why?” _

 

_ “You are my little brother. You’re family. I don’t want you to die.” _

 

_ “It’s my choice,” Resolution, Determination. _

 

_ “Why are you doing this?” _

 

_ He saw himself, tilting his head, “To protect the ones I love.” _

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

“Are you ready?” Lucifer asked with a frown as he held the bowl of ingredients for the ritual in his hand. 

 

Cas stepped into the circle the archangel had burned on the floor with his grace, “Yes.”

 

“I have never done this before, but it should theoretically work. I should also warn you that it could be painful, but if it works, you’ll be able to walk with me into the center of the Darkness.”

 

“I told you, I’m ready,” Cas repeated with annoyance in tone. He didn’t want Dean to worry more about him just because Lucifer wasn't completely sure if his plan would work. It's not like he had a choice.

 

“There are a fuck load of ‘ifs’ in your plan,” Dean stated from his position of leaning against the table, mouth pressed into a thin line.

 

Lucifer shrugged, “Well, there isn't exactly a handbook out there to defeat the Darkness, is there? I’m trying to get creative here, but believe me, I’m devilishly good at that.” Lucifer winked at Sam, who just ignored him.

 

Cas gave Dean a long look, “If we wait any longer our chances to save the world will be greatly diminished. I don't want Jack's sacrifice to be in vain."

 

Dean nodded, “I know… just come back in one piece, okay?”

 

Lucifer raised his eyebrow, “If you need to say sappy goodbyes, now would be the time.”

 

Eyes lingering on Dean, Cas couldn't help but continue to stare at the man, his longing likely evident on his face. They had already said their goodbyes and Dean obviously wasn’t in the mood for one of those so called “chick flick” moments either. Cas was surprised when Dean walked up to him and pulled him in for a tight hug, “I’ll see you later.”

 

Cas tightened his grip around him for a moment before he resignedly let him go. He nodded, “Of course.”

 

“What? No hug for me?” Lucifer asked Sam with a smirk, who just ignored him and patted Cas’s shoulder.

 

“Come back in one piece,” The younger hunter gave Cas a comforting smile

 

Cas nodded and turned around to face Lucifer, purposefully not looking back at Dean. Like Orpheus, he was afraid that one look back would doom him forever; he wouldn’t be able to leave.  

 

When Cas stepped into the circle and Lucifer spoke the Enochian words, Cas instantly felt the energy humming through his body. His grace felt like it was exploding, reaching out and multiplying into infinity. The pain was unbearable, fire burning at his very existence, trying to consume him, but actually just stretching him thin, until he felt so large that his own vessel felt claustrophobic. 

 

When he became aware of his surroundings again, he found himself kneeling, looking up into concerned green eyes. A warm, soothing hand carding comfortingly through his hair. “Are you okay?” Dean asked with a concerned tone in his voice.

 

Cas shook his head, but then he nodded. He had to concentrate to be able to speak, to control his body's voice and tongue, “I'm okay, Dean.”

 

Lucifer stepped next to him, “That looked like an unpleasant experience.”

 

“Understatement,” Cas croaked, his voice still sounded strange in his ear.

 

The archangel nodded, “But I sense the power in you. It worked.”

 

Cas nodded, feeling slightly in awe by the overwhelming energy that coursed through his body, “It did. I think I’m ready.”

 

Lucifer laid his hand on his shoulder and everything went dark.

 

**…. :::: :::: ....**

 

“Fuck,” Dean yelled and forcefully kicked one of the chairs in the library. 

 

“Dean, calm down.” Sam sighed in defeat, “I know it sucks taking the sidelines here, not being able to do anything… but this is so beyond our pay grade.”

 

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, “It’s not right, Sammy. This was our responsibility, we should be out there doing something, but instead Cas has to go in there and fuck… with Lucifer! Am I the only one who thinks this is a fucking bad idea?”

 

Sam leaned against the table, “Look, I'm the last person on Earth who is pro-Lucifer, but… Cas would have known if he was lying… and I hate to say it, but… Lucifer doesn't lie. It’s not his thing.”

 

“Oh, great. That makes me feel so much better, Sammy,” Dean yelled, drowning his words in sarcasm.

 

Sam sighed in defeat, “I know… it’s just… He will come back from this. I’m sure of it.”

 

It was in that moment that all of Dean’s walls broke down. He had just found Cas. He couldn’t lose him now.  _ Fuck _ , they deserved a happy ending, but knowing his shitty life, he probably wouldn’t see Cas again.

 

His brother pulled him into a tight hug before the first tear fell to the ground.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas felt disorientated. He had no idea which way was up in this pitch black darkness. His skin burned and itched, like the darkness around him wasn't just empty space, but actually alive, touching him with corrupted tendrils, trying to consume him.

 

He could feel a hand on his shoulder, Lucifer’s light was shining brightly, “Don’t disappoint me, brother. Focus on your light and focus on mine.”

 

Cas tightened his grip on the lance, feeling its power aligning with his own light. “Can you see the center?”

 

Lucifer nodded and pointed at it, “It’s important that you wait until the right moment.”

 

“How will I recognize this moment?”

 

“You’ll know,” Lucifer shrugged next to him.

 

“It’s not a good time to be cryptic, brother,” Cas stated dryly as he tried to see what Lucifer saw. It was like standing in the void, but instead of emptiness there was only darkness. How Lucifer could see the right direction was beyond his understanding.

 

“When you see my light fading,” Lucifer explained quietly, resting his hand on Cas’s shoulder to guide him towards the center. 

 

“You sound worried,” Cas gave the archangel a long look.

 

"Not worried, more..." He let out a soft sigh before exhaling a quiet, "Do you think he'll forgive me?" Lucifer's voice sounded strange. 

 

“I don’t know… He works in mysterious ways,” Cas couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. Lucifer chuckled when he caught it.

 

“He’s a shitty father.”

 

Cas nodded before he gave Lucifer a thoughtful look, “You shouldn’t do this because of him.”

 

Lucifer scoffed, “I don’t have another reason. Contrary to you, I don’t like humanity very much.”

 

“Then do it for yourself. You showed me your memory. I know how much the first fight still weighs on you. I also know that you want to have a better legacy than the one you already have. Your light is the brightest and I believe in you to be a savior for once.”

 

“That was the corniest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Lucifer responded after a moment, slowly shaking his head.

 

“You’re welcome,” Cas stated dryly, before he gasped in pain when his skin started to burn again.

 

“We should go,” Lucifer sighed and grabbed Cas’s hand to drag him after him.

 

His skin itched the closer they got to the center, like something was clawing at him trying to scratch the skin from his vessel. After a while it started to burn. Time had started to become irrelevant, he could feel the center now, like a gravitational force that was pulling everything in. Light, space, time.  

 

“I’m not sure how much closer I can go,” He tried to tell the archangel, but his words, the sound of them were distorted as they broke into a high whistle. His ears started to bleed.

 

The grip on his hand tightened when Lucifer pulled him relentlessly deeper towards the center. For the first time, Cas was afraid. Not afraid of dying, but afraid of being changed. Of being taken apart and constructed into something different again, something that wouldn’t want to come back to Dean.

 

His skin parted from his flesh and he screamed in agony, the archangel still dragging him further. And then it stopped.

 

For a moment Cas didn’t understand what had happened. The silence was deafening, before a bright light burned everything around him. He felt a scream tearing at his mind when the archangel died in front of him. The echo of his death so intense that Heaven trembled in shock. The angels knew this was their signal and Cas had to be quick before they would release all of the energy of every angel to smite the Darkness into oblivion.

 

He concentrated on his light, powering the weapon with his grace and threw the lance with all of his power into the center of the gravitational force. 

 

He didn’t wait to look. He just turned around and ran.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

When he opened his eyes again he was met concerned green ones and a warm hand that caressed his face. Dean smiled at him, relief evident in his voice, “Welcome back, Sunshine.”

 

Cas mirrored his smile, “Hello, Dean.”

 

He sat up, noticing that he was lying on Dean’s bed. When he looked down at himself he saw that he was wearing a t-shirt and boxer briefs from Dean, his body was, thankfully, completely healed again.

 

“Yeah, your whole holy tax accountant get up was unsalvageable. You need new clothes.”

 

“Did it work?” It was the only question on Cas’s mind.

 

Dean grinned and ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, “It did. You saved the world. And you came back, like you promised.”

 

Cas had never felt more relieved in his entire life. 

 

Dean gave him a stern look, “And never do that again. You should have seen yourself when you crashed in here. You gave me the shock of my life. I thought you were dead.”

 

“I apologize,” Cas hoped the tone in his voice conveyed how sorry he felt for that. He didn’t mean to frighten the hunter. He could imagine how his vessel had looked like after the fight.

 

“As your punishment you won’t leave this bed for a whole week. We will just stay here and relax. Watch some Netflix, have some great food and drinks. No work, okay?”

 

Cas smiled, “Okay, but I have to do one last thing before we start.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

He knew he couldn’t change anything. Everything happened for a reason. Time traveling was like balancing on a thin line over a deadly, unforgiving abyss. One wrong step and he could destroy millions of lives.

 

It was a risk to come here, but Castiel couldn’t help himself.

 

He just needed to see Jack, one last time. He didn’t know why he felt that way, but somehow, he was compelled to close a circle. Or maybe he just needed to see him with his own eyes just one last time. Sentiment. He was getting more human every day.

 

When he spotted Jack, he was sitting in front of a bunch of other people, telling what appeared to be an adventurous tale with a lot of wild hand gestures to the attentive listeners. 

 

Seeing him happy like that, carefree and unburdened by his fate yet to come…

 

Cas hadn’t anticipated the pain in his chest. The overwhelming urge to change the past and to save this man. He suddenly realized that this must have been how Dean felt when he had taken him into the past and he couldn’t save his mother.

 

Just a few steps separated him from Jack. Just a few words to spare him all of the pain to come. Of course he couldn’t do it. He would destroy the world and he would never be able to return to Dean. For a moment Cas realized that if Jack and Dean’s fate were interchanged, Cas would rather see the world burn than to lose Dean. 

 

Even with this realization, he felt angry about the unfairness, about not having any means to change it and to stop Jack from getting hurt. 

 

Maybe this trip had been a bad idea. 

 

He looked up when he heard Jack laughing at something, his green eyes shining bright with joy, his smile infectious. 

 

Cas could feel his lips curling up, reacting to such a sight. He took in a deep breath, his voice just above a whisper, “Goodbye, Jack.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

“So, how was he?” Dean asked in a tense voice, an unreadable expression on his face. 

 

“Saving people, getting himself into trouble,” Cas answered, hoping he could lighten Dean’s mood with humor.

 

“A real Winchester, “ Dean mumbled quietly.

 

It was almost like Dean didn’t approve of Cas travelling back in time to see Jack again. He wondered why Dean was feeling that way and felt ashamed that he unknowingly might have hurt Dean with his behavior, “I… I don’t know why I had to go and see him one last time.”

 

Dean shrugged noncommittally, “Because you had the chance to say goodbye. Not very many of us get that chance.”

 

“Are you angry with me?”

 

Dean rubbed his hand over his face, “No, I’m not.”

 

“So, what is it?” Cas didn’t have any intention of letting it go.

 

Dean shrugged, pulling him closer on the bed, “Guess I’m a little jealous, alright?”

 

Cas couldn’t help but feel flattered by Dean admission, “You have no reason, Dean. You are the one I want. I chose you.” 

 

Dean grinned and nudged his elbow, “I know, you dork.”

 

He pulled Cas closer so he could rest his head on Dean’s shoulder, “What do you want to watch, Sunshine?”

 

Cas kissed Dean’s throat with a smile, “Something light.”

  
**The End**


End file.
